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Mom2Shelby

4.8.14 – 4.8.16: Two Years An Angel

Two years. Twenty four months. Two winters, two springs, two summers, two falls. It just seems unfathomable to me. It is crazy how time moves so fast but moves so slow at the same time. I miss Shelby every day with every fiber of my being but life is less sad, less heartbreaking, less lonely. I do have the sidekick but I also have more peace.

Pam (Harmony’s mom) posted on the forums today about the chaos that cancer brings us and then the catastrophic stop to our journey when our fur-baby loses their cancer battle. I think that most accurately describes the journey with me and Shelby.

In the past two years, I have had plenty time to process, remember (more than I ever wanted to) every second of our cancer journey. It was indeed chaos. From the day Shelby broke her leg, our life really was forever changed even though we didn’t learn of the cancer for three more months. As a mom, I knew something was terribly wrong but since we  didn’t find the cancer then, I didn’t want to believe it. I have spent close to 2 years beating myself up for “shoulda, woulda, coulda” about that damn leg. Did I make the right decisions to plate not amputate? Did I wait too long once we found the cancer? Did I make a bad decision? Those questions can rock a person at their very core and cause the worst case of doubt and insecurity that filters into their normal life.

My life was on hold during our journey – I forgot how many events/ invitations / emails I turned down or ignored. My entire focus was Shelby and helping her heal while that evil cancer was fighting hard to take her from me.

And when she lost her battle – in what felt like a matter of 72 hours – we went from fine to not fine to really super not fine – I felt like I  had been hit by a train. And what was left was the dissolution of my former shell. Who was I without Shelby? What did that world look like? How could I go on?

How did I go on? I just did. I took each moment of each day by each second. I relearned to breathe. I still find myself holding my breath so hard as to not shake the balance of my life.

And then I was guided to the sidekick. And as we all know, love didn’t come easy for either of us. And I felt myself protecting her in ways I did with Shelby in the end. Putting her in a glass bubble as to try and make sure she was never injured, hurt, sick. The journey of cancer is never predictable and for someone who prides themselves on having a routine, that can throw a person’s whole world so out of whack, you think it will never level out again.

But here we are … two years have passed. While I cry less, I don’t love any less. I try and always remember the little things about Shelby that brought me so many smiles. We had such an easy love. There was never a question about our love story. It was just us. I find myself fiercely protective of her all the time but I defend our love less because I feel more secure. I know I did all that I could for her and she wants me to love and to smile and to be happy. That’s why she sent the sidekick.

Two years is a very long time but when I look back to where I was a year ago or even a month ago, I can see how far my grief process. I changed – 100% I changed. My appearance, my personality, my outlooks on life … but the core that is “ME” is still there. And the love and trust and compassion that I once had is coming out again. I know I will continue to heal. I know that my heart will continue to be open to give and receive love because I am guided by the spirit of Shelby.

In a perfect world, I would have the sidekick and Shelby by my side … but life is not perfect. Life is a process, a dance, a journey – not a destination. And when I get to that destination, that is the Rainbow Bridge where Shelby will leap and bound and jump into my arms and let me know that I am home. And I will hold her tight and never, ever let her go again.

So my darling Shelby … thank you for sending me love, light, energy every day for the last two years. I might update your blog a little less as my heart needs to open itself up for other things but know that I always love you and you are always with me. The 8th of each month will always be our day … because we are bounded by infinity. I love you, my sweet angel, my first baby, the love of my life, my best girl, forever in my heart and for all infinity.

My mom had this orb made for me. It was made with Shelby’s ashes in her signature purple!

Love this face so much! This was her “play with me mommy” face.

Mommy was injured and no running allowed but we could hike so we did!~ Taking a rest with my best girl. God I love that little face.

At this point, we had taken so many selfies… people started to think we looked the same! She was beautiful so I didn’t mind!

Beach girls .. always and forever!

Patient dog… she rocked the tiara – always!

Laughing girls~ Shelby was always smiling, always laughing, always happy!!!!

She loved all her toys! She was so spoiled and it showed.

11 Comments »

  1. Michelle Said,

    April 8, 2016@ 3:26 pm      Reply

    Happy Angelversary Shelby.
    Alison,
    I know this seems so weird but I am sitting here crying. I have seen you progress so much over the last 2 years and letting little JL in your life helped. I feel all the love still for Shelby that I did when you started this journey here. That love will never end for her.
    You have grown so much and you can see it with your words.
    I love the orb that your mom had done it is amazing and all these pictures you can see how much Shelby was loved.
    Keep sharing it does people good to see how the grief process works and that is isn’t an overnight process. It can take years sometimes and sometimes longer

    xoxoxoxo
    Michelle & Angel Sassy

    • mom2shelby Said,

      April 9, 2016@ 3:12 pm      Reply

      Thank you SO much Michelle for your words! They mean SO much to me. And to have someone from the outside see the growth from within me, it helps me so much. I agree – little JL has helped more than I ever thought she would! XOXO

  2. Lena Sharp Said,

    April 8, 2016@ 5:30 pm      Reply

    What a Beautiful tribute of your love for Shelby 🙂 Are lives are fur-ever changed when that someone special enters our life. Shelby is watching over you every second of everyday.

    Love~ Miss Mollie Moo and Family

  3. murphsmom Said,

    April 9, 2016@ 1:54 pm      Reply

    We are all missing the best-dressed Tripawd ever! Shelby (and you and JL) have taught all of us about love, perseverance and rebuilding. She will never be forgotten.

    Kathi and the Turbotail April Angel…and the Labradork

    • mom2shelby Said,

      April 9, 2016@ 3:13 pm      Reply

      Thank you so much!!! Definitely a lot of rebuilding but it can and IS done! XO

  4. midnighter94 Said,

    April 9, 2016@ 9:51 pm      Reply

    Alison ~ The love you have for Shelby always shines through. And the love you have for Jasper has grown so much. It’s amazing how much our hearts can hold. We don’t have to push aside one to make room for the other – they can live together there.
    Hugs to you!
    Donna

  5. benny55 Said,

    April 9, 2016@ 9:54 pm      Reply

    Fell the love Alison, feel the love and hear the applause for the tremendous growth you have made because Shelby picked you hears ago. She had a plan for you, a mission. What a team!! The impact that little Shelby had on your “road to enlightenment”, and continues to have, is truly extraordinary!

    When you said because you cry less doesn’t mean you love any less…BAM!! That sums up so much about how far you’ve come!! Such a profound statement!

    You always express words from your heart so beautifully Alison.

    And yes! You and Shelby DO look alike!! Twins separated at birth…almost! Beautiful smiles…both of you! That expression of hers when she is on the hike with you is truly priceless! 🙂 And the one beseeching you to play with her by giving you that precious look! Such fun memories! The love between you two is undeniable …and eternal.

    With love,

    Sally and My Eternal Light Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle and Frankie too!

  6. jerry Said,

    April 10, 2016@ 10:33 am      Reply

    Ohhhhh such a moving tribute to a very special angel in Heaven. I can’t believe it’s been two years either.

    But look at how much you’ve grown! Shelby’s spirit is stronger than ever as you go through life, braver and more courageous than ever. What a gift!

    Speaking of gift, where did your mom get the globe? I’d love to find out!

  7. harmony Said,

    April 11, 2016@ 7:47 am      Reply

    What a beautiful tribute! And I absolutely love how you recognize JL as your sidekick. The pictures are wonderful. I’m not sure but seems to me I read somewhere that in some cultures (long ago) they didn’t take photographs of people because they thought it was stealing a piece of the soul. When I look at your pictures, I understand why they felt that way. Your heart wasn’t within your chest, it was sitting in your lap. LOVE YOU!!
    xoxo

  8. 4myty Said,

    April 12, 2016@ 12:47 am      Reply

    Alison, sorry I am so late reading Shelby’s blog. I have been thinking of you a lot these last few days. You have grown so much in the last 2 years. Grown and healed, yes, but as you say you are the same at the core. Your core, your soul, always remains the same. It is our hearts that sometimes get broken, beaten and eventually healed. It is your heart that is forever entwined with a cute, perky, well dressed bundle of fur named Shelby. It is amazing , the capacity of our hearts to expand to love again. Yours has expanded to include Jasper Lily. Shelby is smiling, she has done her job well! Hugs to you, my friend, Lori, Ty and gang


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