And two years since Shelby broke her leg and our journey began …
Oh June … will I always hate you? Will I always hate the reminders and the guilt that I STILL sometimes feel about how Shelby broke her leg? How I go back and forth (STILL) second guessing the choices that I made about her leg (fix or keep, cancer or not cancer)? I don’t know. I do know that I will do my best to honor and celebrate her life on the 8th as I do every month since we are bound for infinity.
And I will try and reconcile that you don’t visit as often since you are busy playing, being healthy and strong, over the bridge. I know you keep an eye out on the little sidekick and probably roll over laughing at her antics. She is a silly one for sure.
I miss ALL the fun we had! Shelby was always up for a good time; that smile of hers was infectious. She was always such a happy dog and loved riding in the car (I miss that… I really do – Jasper hates the car no matter what). Shelby always wanted an adventure! And she got them. Beach trips. Road trips. Just because trips! We had the best time – always!
I miss how things were easy and we really did live in the moment until we had to stop and think about things and look forward into the future – the great unknown. Now all my days are spent thinking about the future and not living in the moment. What will tomorrow bring? Will it be good? Will it be bad? Constant state of chaos sometimes.
I miss the days of me and my BFF… my best girl, the love of my life. I miss those simpler times SO much. Sometimes more than others. As much as I miss Shelby (and I do – every day of my life) I also miss the life that I used to have. Grief changes you and while they say you can’t go backward, sometimes moving forward is just as hard. Because if you can stay right where you are – you can sometimes maintain that comfortable “numb” feeling. It becomes your new reality and your fear of moving past because things could be worse (or they could be better but it is not worth the risk) holds you back.
But that is not a life and I try and channel my “inner Shelby” and work through the challenges … With my best girl as my angel co-pilot and the little sidekick that tries to make me smile (and always succeeds) daily. Over two years an angel and some days I feel like I have not moved an inch in the forward direction but I have. I allowed love back into my heart again (albeit only in canine form) and I try and get out of my comfort zone from time to time. I feel Shelby’s spirit guiding me.
Until we meet again my sweet angel … and I can kiss those velvet ears! I love you to the moon and back and for all infinity!