I almost don’t know what to say … me, speechless? How is that possible? I cannot believe that 2014 is almost over. I cannot believe that I am going to wake up tomorrow and start a new year without you by my side. It doesn’t seem real. I don’t want this year to end because then it really means I do have to move on. I don’t know what year without you looks like. I held on to 2014 for sooooo long because it was still our time together.
You were my date on New Years for the longest time. I hate NYE – so much pressure to be something you’re not, go something expensive and be with people you don’t really want to be with. You always snuggled with me, maybe we shared a pizza, I always drank wine and bubbles. But at the end of the night – it was YOU that was there. And it was your face that I snuggled first thing of the new year.
The tears feel like they will never end today. I have tried so hard to be so strong (your kind of strong) but I can’t today. I am scared for the first time. I do not want to enter 2015 without you. I want to live and stay in the past. I can’t “be more dog” or “live in the moment” because those moments don’t include you.
I don’t do well with finality. I don’t move forward easily. I grieve for you, my baby girl. I grieve for what we had and the memories that the months ahead will bring as I relive those last days, weeks that we had. When you lost your leg. Your residence in my bathroom. The discovery of your mets. The holding my breath non-stop daily. I would forget to breathe. The seizures you had that would terrify me but no one thought anything of it – you were anemic. There was always something. The long hours spent at ACC. Their number on speed-dial.
If we have to go into 2015, can we just fast forward to April so I don’t have to relive those moments again? They are truly too painful to even think about.
I miss you, Shelby Lynne. So tonight, as I say farewell to your last year on earth, I hope that you will send me some strength to wake up tomorrow and be strong, be grateful and feel fresh with the new year. A new year with so many possibilities … I will try and channel your amazing spirit and remember that you live on in me in everything I do. I will remember this quote: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. – Dr. Seuss