WOW … it’s been a couple months since I’ve updated Shelby’s blog. And it’s not for not missing her but rather being worried about saying the same thing over and over. How much I miss those velvet ears. Miss that cute and curious face. Miss our snuggles, cuddles, adventures, laughter and tears. Shelby was the ultimate in what a soul-mate should be. She was always up for an adventure, she lived like a dog – truly in the moment, every day. She was SO happy. I swear she smiled and laughed. It was a simpler time when I adopted Shelby as a young 20-something. I never thought our story would ever end. Three years ago this month, Shelby got really sick. We got the diagnosis we didn’t want to get. Hemangiosarcoma. One of the ugliest and most aggressive cancers out there. One to two month survival. Chemo would maybe buy us a month.
We got EIGHT more amazing months together. My fighter girl. She took her chemo like a champ. And in the middle of all this, we finally amputated that broken leg that never seemed right again.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda… I work SO hard each day to not live with this in the back of my mind. Some days are harder than others.
Lately, I have had a really hard time with not having Shelby in my world. The last couple of weeks have been really tough; maybe it is summer coming to an end, coming off the vacation with the sidekick and knowing how much Shelby would have loved that particular adventure, processing some underlying guilt about my life with Shelby and how we never did enough until it was too late. How I wasn’t always there for her in my desire to “hit the town” and “have a life” and she was always patiently waiting at home. I am beating myself up SO much and over-compensating with the sidekick in that I rarely go out so I don’t waste one precious minute of her life.
Shelby tossed me a shiny new penny and dime a couple weeks ago on my run. It’s been a while since she has sent me a sign so I know she knows and feels how much I am missing her. They say the pain comes in waves and oh my goodness is that true. I haven’t felt this kind of pain in my heart since Shelby passed. It has been hard for me to be supportive and a valuable member of this community that I love so much because my grief is back and it is raw again.
I know this too shall pass… as well as I know that Shelby really comes to me when she knows or sees that I am struggling with something. It is the price we pay for loving so hard. I also feel memories of Shelby slipping away and that pains me as well. There are days I can stare deep into her eyes in the many photos I have or watch the limited videos I have of her and she feels like a stranger. It is hard to explain but I also have this same challenge with memories of my father that passed away almost 20 years ago. I guess it is how my brain and heart choose to cope with the pain but it seems truly unfair to me. I want to remember more of the good and less of the bad and for some reason, the bad is was pushes to the forefront. Perhaps because I truly am a “glass half empty” kind of girl!
All I know today … on her angelvesary day … is that I miss her SO terribly much. I miss a simple time. I miss the innocence of our youth. I miss who I was.
I love my little sidekick – more than I know what to do with – but I also fear for the day that she and I have to say goodbye and she gets to meet her big sister in heaven. But I know that love lives forever in my heart. That love never dies. That true love, the once in a lifetime love that I had with Shelby, is eternal. Still the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend. I miss you sweet Shelbs… don’t be a stranger! Mommy needs you!
My silly girl!