Shelby, my love, the holidays have been wicked hard for me this year. You know that. You’ve been visiting (I assume). You saw me cry most of Saturday and Sunday I was useless. BUT I did bake the holiday treats I planned to take to your vets and nurses to close up the year. I wanted (needed) closure on this hard year. I needed them to see that I was OK (I assume they actually think about us). I needed them to meet little Jasper Lily … in case, heaven forbid she ever need their services. And most of all, I needed to thank them, from us, for ALL they did for you and us.
Dr. Turner, your oncologist wasn’t in today (how could I forget she doesn’t work Mondays). But the nurses recognized me and remembered you. Of course they did. You were SO happy all the time.
I walked next door to Advanced Critical Care – the place I spent hours, in the lobby, in waiting rooms with you, on the phone with. The first face I saw was dear Andrea. You loved her. And she loved you so much. She was SOOOO happy to see me (and to meet little JL). She said she still has your photo on the wall by her desk! You were so loved by them. They all remembered you and believed that you had a paw in sending me little Jasper. It was a lot for Jasper to take in; but she took it like a champ. She has very big paws to fill (they told her) but she was great. She was friendly and not scared. You were guiding us both.
As I drove up, it was eerily familiar yet I wasn’t as sad as I thought I would be. It wasn’t as hard. It was as though you were right beside me, giving me your strength, guiding me, helping me. You are with me. Always. I know that. I know you will always come when I need you the most.
I feel a sense of peace. I feel calm. I feel content. I still miss you so much every single day. I look at your photos daily. I talk to you daily. I tell you I love you daily. But I know that I can and will go one. Not to say I won’t still have horrible days but I feel your strength and the message you are sending me to be #shelbystrong.
As we wind down 2014, the hardest year since I lost my father in 1997, I know that I will be able to go on. I know we will be together again and I can wait. You will wait for me. You are always with me but you will wait until we are in the same space again. And I know you will be the first to greet me when I cross over.
Until we meet again, my love … I miss you. I hope you get lots of toys for the holidays. I hope you know that I am trying really hard to cry less and celebrate our amazing life together. We had so much fun!
Merry Christmas, Shelby Lynne! Your mama loves you – to the moon and back and for all eternity!