Author: mom2shelby

It’s a day dedicated to those four-legged fur-babies that are amazing and bring us all so much joy! I cannot remember a time in my life when I haven’t been graced and blessed with the presence of a dog. What better day than to devote a whole post to the many four-leggeds (and that one super special three-legged) dogs that I have shared my life with through the years.

From the day I came from the hospital, I have been surrounded by dogs. Before my parents had me, they had two other dogs, Gypsy (an Airedale mix from a pet store) and Sunshine (a little black poodle that they rescued under a car in a parking lot). Gypsy, from what I heard and can remember, was a BAD dog as far as bad dogs go. She was definitely bonded to my father. She destroyed furniture, escaped, and ran amok in the house.

Sunshine was a total love. Clearly grateful for being rescued. Sadly, she had heart issues and passed away when I was very young. Other than photos, I have limited memories of her.

My ‘dressing up’ of pets started at an early age. Gypsy was my object of torment. That poor little patient dog finally had enough when the day before my 5th birthday, I put a necktie around her neck a bit tight and snap! Red nose in all the photos. Gypsy eventually went on to become my “Sandy” the Halloween I was the scrappy little orphan Annie. We became close friends for sure – even though, as a child, I was still a tad jealous of her bond with my father.

Years later, when I was old enough to care for my own dog, we welcomed another dog into our home. Misty. I was in the 4th grade when we got Misty and she was to be my responsibility, my dog. She was a terrier/poodle mix – a white ball of fluff! She was the sweetest dog. She was loving, patient (also subject to wardrobe changes), and the guest of honor at all my tea parties! I could get Misty to ride in a baby stroller (like a baby) and thought of her as my baby.

When I was in about 5th grade, Gypsy was sadly diagnosed with cancer. While I don’t remember all the details of that, I do remember asking classmates to set intentions for her and ultimately, we humanely said goodbye. My father, the lover of all animals, was devastated. I do believe that Gypsy was his ‘heart dog’. So that left us with little Misty.

But the home felt empty with just one dog. And then came Ginger. Ginger was a pet shop purpose (back in the day before that was an un-PC thing to do). They told us she was a cocker spaniel. They didn’t know. Ginger quickly bonded with my father and had utter contempt for me. I liked her enough but tolerated her existence. She and Misty were fast friends. Misty loved everyone!

Scrunchies found themselves tied around Ginger’s ears, tail, legs. Ginger played (a lot ) of wheelbarrow. Ginger was long like a dachshund but had beautiful red fur. She was the most interesting looking animal.

Soon I went off to college and left behind my childhood friend, Misty and ‘Ginger’. Ginger would send me notes at college, telling me how much she didn’t miss me (ha) and how she would sleep on my bed (ha ha) and how when I came home,  I would be sleeping on the floor! My college roommates and I all loved the correspondence from Ginger!

As I have mentioned before, my father was ill this entire time with cancer. Eventually I graduated from college and came home to be with him. Less than a year after my college graduation, my father passed away. Ginger was by his side the entire time. She was in the hospice with us when he took his last breath. She grieved with us and she was never quite the same. I believe that Ginger believed my father to be her soul mate. Within a year, Ginger’s health failed and I truly believe that dog died of a broken heart.

All that remained was Misty. She was living with my mom now, aging, but aging well. She had some hearing and vision issues. But she was happy. I had since moved on in my life, moving to New Orleans and my visits with my childhood dog were limited. By this point. Misty and my mom had a bond that could not be broken. I believe that Misty was my mother’s ‘heart dog’.

At the age of, I believe, 17, Misty’s health failed her and she passed away. Old age. My mother has never fully healed. She still misses Misty so terribly much and that’s been over 10 years.

While living in New Orleans, I was rescued by Miss Shelby Lynne … the love of my life. The  reason this blog exists. The reason I am the person I am today. At that time, I was a young 28 year old woman – I didn’t know ‘heart dogs’, ‘soul mates’  or anything like that. But Shelby made her place in my heart and each day, year our love grew and grew. She was the absolute best thing that ever happened to me and saved me on so many levels so many times.

And through her health issues last year, one thing remained true – our love. It never wavered. I never questioned any extreme medical decision because I believe that it was what my father would do and what Shelby deserved.

And when Shelby crossed over the Rainbow Bridge last April, I know she was greeted by Gypsy, Sunshine, Ginger and Misty. Ginger probably told her what a mega PITA I was. Sunshine and Misty probably snuggled up to give her loves. And Gypsy and her compared costume choices.

This past June was when I realized that, for the first time in my 40 years on this earth, there were no dogs in our family. My mom is dog-less right now. What a surreal feeling. There has always been a dog. And then Shelby (and probably with the help of a few more angels) sent me little Jasper Lily.

Jasper Lily is a healthy combination of all the dogs I have known and loved. She’s enough of a challenge that makes me think that Shelby and Ginger are laughing about it, enough of a snuggle bug that I know Sunshine and Misty had their hand in that and then enough of a pee machine (in my house) to know Gypsy did that.

It gives me a sense of peace and calm thinking that this is how Jasper came into my life. And also that my dad was there over the bridge to welcome and care for Shelby. And that I have two guardian angels – two souls who loved me with all their being.

Shelby is my heart dog and soul mate and will remain so,but it’s a wonderful world to be so blessed to have had so many kind dogs grace my life …

Shelby, my baby, it’s been a while since I’ve updated your blog. You are in my heart and my thoughts every single day. I hope you know that. I hope you can hear me talking about you and talking TO you. Yet, probably in true “Shelby fashion” you are doing your best to ignore my constant chatter.

I never realized how much I talked to you or about you until you were gone. I was scrolling through my FB page from last year and I came upon this photo and the caption with it:

It was just a couple weeks later our world was rocked with your spleen removal and hemangiosarcoma diagnosis. I am dreading reliving that part of our life from last year as I know those memories are etched in my mind. I want/try to focus on all the good times we had but sometimes it’s just really hard.

Memories from last summer … 

Last summer, since I wasn’t working, we made Thursday into “Vodka Thursdays”. I should have trademarked it. We would go to the Beachside Inn, walk along the water a bit and then grab some happy hour cocktails on the deck and watch the sun set. It was the best!  Shelby was the perfect drinking companion, super chillax and friendly to every one. For a dog that hated the water, you should found your sea legs in the calm currents of the ocean. And of course, it was the one time I had taken the towels out of my car!

We also went to explore the botanical gardens at UCLA. Since Shelby couldn’t hike or go as far, this was something fun for us to do. Shelby loved to be out in nature; she loved to sit outside, bask in the sun, smell the random smells of the animals, watch the turtles.

And of course, most of our weekends included sitting outside like this.  It was perfect. I would have done my long run and just wanted to chill and Shelby couldn’t go far on her walks but wanted to be outside. I remember when we lived in the valley we had a balcony that overlooked the parking lot. Literally, all you could see were driveways and garbage bins but Shelby loved to sit outside in the sun and watch the world go by. That was my only complaint about our new home – no balcony. But we would happily sit in the middle of the sidewalk for hours while she could watch people, dogs, cats pass by and I could work on my tan and rest my legs.

Without even realizing it, last summer was our last summer. I think, perhaps, on some level I did know that. I knew there was something wrong with that leg and that despite us not knowing, eventually it was going to come out. My not having a job was a true blessing in disguise. I got to spend every waking minute with my best girl. Neither of us could have asked for a better way to spend our time. Our bond grew even stronger (if that was even possible). Every day was something new. I would work for hours in the a.m. doing job search stuff, etc and then in the afternoon, we would play. We would nap, we would sit outside, we would go for cocktails! Pretty much what we would do during every other summer (yet mostly one the weekends). With Shelby, everything was an experience, a gift, a treasure. People told me to make the most of last summer and I really did try. I have some regrets – partly my own subconscious that held me back – but for the most part, I kept true to my promise to Shelby – to make her life extraordinary. Looking back on my posts from last summer, we did have a lot of cautious fun! Yet, Shelby and I were so in-sync, I am sure she felt my stress, felt my concern about her health, felt my anxiety.

But as this summer winds down, and I’ve made some new happy memories, I definitely do feel the spirit of Shelby guiding me to new memories and trying to keep the dark spots of last summer out of my conscious. I knew this would be a hard summer and the next several months as I relive the darkest time in our fight but I have to stay and remain #shelbystrong and remember that my strength comes from Shelby and her spirit that lives on in me. I love you Shelby Lynne … I love you more than words can ever say. My heart is still 100% yours and I miss you each and every day and while I cry a little less, I still have days when I am not as brave. But I think of how brave you were – always were – and my spirit is lifted! Thank you, Shelby, for making summer 2013 one filled with great joy and love!

Oh Shelby … it all makes so much sense now. I have been feeling off and lethargic and tired for a couple days now. Combined with my epic tears (albeit Oscar worthy performance this past weekend), today crept up on me.

Sixteen weeks ago today I helped your earn your beautiful wings and you assumed a new role – my guardian angel. I miss you so very much, my princess. I have found myself staring at your photos more and more lately. Trying to look into your eyes. Such love we had for each other.

I also noticed that Friday, when I worked from home, I went to the gym first and didn’t shower right away. Because I had been working out, I wasn’t wearing your necklace that I got to always hold you in my heart. I feel naked without it. The Tripawds Etsy store did such an amazing job and it’s beautiful and it holds me close to you.

I’ve heard you’ve been visiting with my friend, Bonnie. I hope you are being a good guest as you are leaving a trail of rhinestones all over the place. I am glad you are making friends.

I have visions, thoughts, dreams of what you are doing over the bridge. I know you have met up with all the angels of the friends I have here, Polly, Ty, Happy Hannah, Sassy, Brendol, Jake, Jersey Girl, Snoops (who just got there so show him the ropes) and of course, Jerry. I think you are probably the smallest one out of this group but your personality is as big as they are in size. I am sure they all love you but have schooled you more than once about the jumping and play-nipping! You always did love the bigger dogs! 🙂

When I close my eyes … sometimes I can see you playing with all your friends. I know you can see me and you don’t want me to be sad. I know you send me as much strength as you can. I know you sent me little Jasper Lily. She’s your baby sister. We talk about you every day. Do you hear us?  If you could send her a message about being a little less scared of EVERYTHING, that would be fantastic! You were my fearless girl.

I have your photos on my desk at work still. I love looking into your pretty face from our trip to Santa Barbara. We had so many wonderful adventures.

I have the big sequin I found in my office right after you passed sitting on my desk. I have the pennies you have sent near your little shrine.

I miss you Shelby. I know I will see you again. I think that is what gives me peace and keeps me going. But today, and this week, I am exhausted and I am sad and I feel worn out. I know that is the grief. It’s hard to believe last summer at this time we were chillaxin’ by the beach.

I have figured out a new way to sign my name on the Tripawds forums which really expresses what I believe to be true.  “Alison with the Spirit of Shelby fur-ever in her heart” because I believe you are with me in my heart, my soul, my daily life … there is a piece of you that lives on in me. You were my soul mate. My one true love. And a love like that never, ever, EVER leaves.

Mommy loves you, Shelby Lynne… to the moon and back and for all infinity.

Oh Miss Shelby… God how I miss you. And just when I thought the daily tears had stopped, I find myself sobbing at my computer. I am working at home today and put on my iTunes library at ‘random’. An Enya song came on. It brought me right back to those first few days after your amputation. You were beyond manic. I couldn’t soothe you – no matter what I did. You just paced and paced. It broke my heart. I was exhausted; up all night with you, knowing it was the drugs that was doing this but hopeful they ease out of your system.  I needed sleep – desperately – to be a better caregiver for you. I was a single mom.

So I shut you out my room and cranked up Enya to calm and soothe you. I knew you wouldn’t hurt yourself and I just prayed you would settle and get some rest. I felt like the world’s worst mom. What kind of mom shuts her baby – who is scared – out of her room? But I knew I couldn’t help you. No matter if I sat on the floor with you or paced with you.

You rested. You found your respite in my bathroom which you made your den.

My baby girl – my one true love – I miss you so very much. It is summer here. It was our time. Beach time. Cocktail time. Travel time. I only wish I had discovered how much fun traveling was together earlier in our life together. However, you most likely would have been the most mega PITA on the face of the earth! 🙂 I long to snuggle your ears one more time. Breathe in your fur. Kiss your face over and over. I hope you know how much I miss you. How much I think about you every day. How much I love you. There will NEVER be another love like ours. I truly believe that.

Thank you for the penny last weekend. And the sequin. I know it was your way of telling me you were and always here with me. I hope that this pain eases up. It’s almost been 4 months … how is that possible? It feels like you have been gone so much longer. I find it harder to recall our wonderful life together and those memories. thank GOD for Facebook so I can see how happy and how much fun we had last summer before we knew for sure about that awful f’ing cancer. I am thankful that God gave us last summer. I am thankful we didn’t know.  Because look how much fun we had!!!

I love you, Shelby, to the moon and back and for all infinity.

Oh my sweet angel, how much do I miss you!?!? I cannot believe we just passed the three month mark (7.8.14) of when you earned your wings. It brings me comfort and peace to think that you are terrorizing other pooches over the rainbow bridge. That you are running and jumping with the best of them and having a blast! That your spirit lives on in my heart daily. I feel you sending me strength. I feel you in my heart. You are the love of my life and I think about you and miss you daily. I stare at your photos all the time. Your scent has left the apt since we got new floors and the carpet is gone. But I think I found some of your fur the other day. It made me smile. I saw a car yesterday on my drive home from Tennessee. It was from “Shelby” county (as noted on the plate). Was that the sign I have been looking for from you?

I posted this on Facebook the other day. Everyone misses you so much.  You were so very much loved that sometime I think we forget all the quirky and perhaps ‘challenging’ things you would do.

Remember the many conversations we had about ‘boundaries’? Somewhere along the line, our relationship became blurry and you thought that my food was your food. I could leave a plate of food on the coffee table and you wouldn’t touch it but somehow, you never quite grasped not getting into the trash can. Oh how I do not miss coming home from work and seeing coffee grounds all over my floor as you went into the trash for a taste of deli meat on an old wrapper. And I do not believe for once second you didn’t know that was wrong. You could remember what time dinner was, where the cookies were stashed but you couldn’t remember “don’t eat out of the trash”?!? Oh Shelby Lynne… you gave me a run for my money for sure!

Or when I was rushing out that one time for TRX and I had a piece of string cheese in my mouth and I leaned over to put your leash on you and you grabbed the string cheese out of my mouth. Kind of like the Italian restaurant scene from “Lady and The Tramp”. Boundaries! We shared food, we shared ice-cream, we even shared wine (once or twice and only a splash). Your mouth was never dirty to me yet I never liked you to kiss me on the mouth! And you knew that – somehow. You knew that I didn’t like to be licked on the face but you would do it to others without even thinking about it.

Shelby … we were SO bonded. We were kindred spirits. You “got” me. And I “got” you. Part of the beauty of knowing you SO well was that I knew when you weren’t feeling well. I knew you inside and out and I was able to fight so hard for you. I have no regrets. We fought with every fiber of our being and we won. You may have lost your life but you never stopped living in the process. I am forever grateful for the 10 months we had . They will never be enough but your story was so much more than that. And even though I can’t remember the little day to day things we did that made us – “us” – I remember that you were the best part of my morning, the best part of my evening and the best part of my life. So until we meet again my sweet angel … run free, play hard and don’t forget to keep sending me signs! I love you to the moon and back and for all infinity!

Three months ago you earned your wings. And not a day goes by that I don’t miss you, think about you, long to feel your fur between my fingers one more time, to give you kisses, snuggles, hugs. You knew me. You “got” me. You were my best friend, my best girl, my soul mate.

It feels longer than three months since you left this earth. Longer since I laid you to rest in my arms by the beach and kissed you and told you that I would never leave you and that I loved you for all eternity.

Last weekend I participated in my annual YAS Spin-a-thon for cancer. This year the ride was dedicated to you. I rode with your bandanna on my arm and your name etched on my arm. I rode with you by my side and in my heart. People asked me “who is Shelby”, thinking it was a person. When I told them Shelby was my dog who had passed from cancer and thanks to advances in cancer therapies for humans, we were able to treat you as well.

Our apt flooded this week. The carpets were ruined. I guess it was a good thing that I had been dragging my feet in getting the carpets cleaned from your last few months there where you had been sick and had a few accidents. You know I was never mad because I knew how devastated you were when you messed on the carpet. We have laminate hardwood floors now. Like we did in Seattle (yet those were real hardwood). I remember you would slide across them like it was a game! The poor man that lived below us. Clickity click with your little nails!

It’s been a stressful couple of weeks. I have felt your strength, Shelby. I truly feel your spirit guiding me daily. I still feel tremendous sadness and grief. I worry that I talk to you less. I worry that your memory is becoming more distant. I worry that my focus is being re-directed. I worry that you think that I will forget about you – which how is that possible, my apt is still a shrine to you. I found your Christmas photo box this week when I was cleaning. I can’t bear to look at those photos yet.

It’s odd – I miss the gut-wrenching, heart-throbbing pain that I felt those first few weeks. I miss the hysterical tears. I fear that if I don’t grieve as intently, then it wasn’t real and our love wasn’t as strong as I believed it to be. People tell me that they miss you. That is good to hear. They can’t even imagine how much I miss you.

I love you, Shelby Lynne … always and forever. You will always be the most beautiful dog in the world with the best smile (I never realized how much you smiled until you were gone) and the best disposition. Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for watching out for me. Send me some pennies. Let me know you are still with me.  Because last weekend, you were most definitely with me. Till we meet again, my love …

Coming off two incredibly difficult weeks at work, I am hyper-sensitive and acutely aware of how much I depended on Shelby to comfort me through every challenging aspect of my life. Last week, the school in which I work at, had three 8th grade girls get hit by a car that ran a red light and threw them feet into the air. As administrative staff, we rushed to comfort the other children that witnessed it and help get the parents to their kids. In the week that followed, there was a lot of unknown, including the condition of one of the girls who was struck. Our community came together to support one and other but it was always hard to come home to an empty house.

This past Monday, our school was placed on lock-down for 5 hours due to a crazed gunman on a rooftop right on the opposite side of the street. Once again, our strength as a community was tested as we watched our block fill with swat teams, the bomb squad, the press, the police. Never have I seen so many guns drawn since I was in Boston in 2013 for the Marathon when the bombs went off at the finish line. As I escorted the children to the nearby park where they were reunited with their parents, I was forced to be strong for the little ones who were having to walk past men and women with rifles and bullet proof vests. I came home that night, exhausted.

When I returned to my hotel after the Boston bombings, my phone was filled with messages and texts but the one that stuck out was from the vet … Shelby’s home away from home. They had called to let me know that Shelby was quite fine but was very concerned about her mama. I broke down in tears. Shelby, of course, being a canine, had no clue what had happened but it was a real fear of mine that what would happen to Shelby, God forbid something happen to me. Never have I been so glad to get my girl out of ‘jail’.

Shelby was always my amazing source of comfort, through a break-up, through tough anniversaries (like the date of the passing of my father), from a bad day at work to a horrible run – that girl was always eager to greet me with a smile, with a snuggle, with a kiss. Even though Shelby knew that I wasn’t a big fan of on the face / mouth kisses, she would give kisses to my hands, arms, to let me know that she was there for me. Sometimes, if the days were bad and I was feeling emotional and I would try and hide it from Shelby, and she would always figure it out. And she would get up from wherever she was and she would come to me and love on me. Shelby slept with me in the bed most nights (before her injuries) and I could always count on her to lay right next to me on the nights I needed it the most.

I remember when her leg broke, her vet said, over and over – we’ll fix this. We will make this right. You were in Boston. You don’t deserve any more bad luck.

But it wasn’t me. It was Shelby and I had to comfort her. And I did. Till the very last breath and I have no regrets about that.

But my girl – oh how I miss your snuggles. Oh how I miss being able to tell you about my day. How crappy it was. How great it was. From the second I woke up in the morning, we would talk. I would always tell you good morning and that I loved you.  As I would leave for work and you would be settling in for your day, I would tell you to have a good day and that I loved you. When I got home from work, I would ask you about your day and what you did (even though I am pretty sure you checked out the kitchen for food that wasn’t there and slept on the couch all day). You were always SO happy when I got home. I miss our evening routine….I would get home, perhaps find you in your bed (or at the door with your tail wagging). But if you were in your bed, I would drop my stuff and come and get on the floor next to you or if you were in my bed, cuddle up with you there. I would give you kisses and you would make the cutest little moaning sounds …I guess it was your version of purring. We would get up and the swirling tail dance would begin. We would go for our walk, come home and you always thought it was dinner time! You were so food motivated!

Daylight savings was the worst – it somehow adjusted your internal dinner alarm clock earlier – always. I don’t know why, looking back on it, I decided that 6:00 p.m. was a proper dinner time for you. Maybe it was the control freak in me and that I liked to eat dinner around 6 p.m. as to keep hunger later in the evening at bay.

But right now, I go home each night to an empty house. Your bowls have been put up. Your dog food was donated to homeless pooches. I saw your container of biscuits this a.m. I can’t bear the throw them out and I know that I should. Your beds remain the same place. I don’t even think the cleaning lady moves them anymore to vacuum under them since she knows there isn’t new fur there. Your toy box is still over-flowing. Oh my silly best friend … what I wouldn’t kill for one more day with you, one more snuggle, one more kiss. I miss you so much. I miss the comfort you brought me. I feel my strength failing me. I feel more and more lost without you. I miss you more and more. There are ups and downs with this crazy grief thing … I hope you  can feel how much I love you, my little soul dog. The couch just doesn’t feel the same without you on it!