How is it already 4 weeks? How is that even possible? What a surreal month it has been. I think I have been in a constant state of numbness from paralyzing fear of the unknown, to some relief of not being an intense caregiver (and the guilt that goes with that) to utter and complete sadness. The tears have subsided but the pain absolutely has not. Shelby is with me every day, every waking minute.
I had initially wanted to put together a video montage of her photos for June – which will mark one year when she broke her leg (and I need to stop beating myself up for allowing her to miss the car and fall and thus break her leg) but then I decided I wanted to have it done for one month.
I have been in hibernation for the past month. Basically silent on FaceBook, Twitter and other social media outlets. I felt that it was important to mourn, properly, the loss of my best friend. I also felt that it would be insensitive to the love and happiness we had if I jumped back into my life too soon. I know that is a human thing and that most people wouldn’t judge me and even if they did – F them.
But I feel that it is time for me to start to live again. I have been running more, which is good for my heart and my soul. I have been slowly getting my eating healthy again and not just having wine and cookies for dinner. My pants are starting to fit again and I feel healthy. I feel guilty for healing but I have to believe that Shelby would not want me to be sad for the rest of my life.
As I looked through Shelby’s photos for her video, I decided it should be called “Shelby’s amazing life” and what a life she had. She was spoiled beyond reason. She always had plenty of toys, cookies, beds to chose from. She had the beach at her paws. Snow from when we lived in Seattle. Parks and mountains were her playgrounds. She was so loved by everyone who met her. What a lucky dog. Time and time again, people have said to me that if they were to come back, they wanted to come back as Shelby because she truly had the best life. And I loved to remind her of that when she would pout – I would ask her to tell me “how your life sucks”. Silly monkey. My little muffin!
There is the void that will always be there. And there will be ups and downs as I continue down this road. I am definitely not ready for another dog in my life. I am trying to figure out who I am. I am in a new decade of my life and while I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of being alone, I am trying to see this as a gift, an opportunity to further develop. Shelby trained me well. She trained me to live in the moment and as long as I don’t think too far ahead, I am stable.
I know my girl is creating havoc over the bridge. That little devil. She was the feisty one. I know she is making tons of news friends and I know that she is watching over me every single day. I still hear her breathing in the apt at night. I still open the door and look to her beds (which have remained unmoved) and to the bathroom but she’s never there.
So today … as I relive the last 48 hours together in my mind and remember our extraordinary life together, I also celebrate our amazing love story … I love you, Shelby girl. I miss you every day. And I will always remember your smile.