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Mom2Shelby

Four weeks today … one month ago, Shelby earned her wings

How is it already 4 weeks? How is that even possible? What a surreal month it has been. I think I have been in a constant state of numbness from paralyzing fear of the unknown, to some relief of not being an intense caregiver (and the guilt that goes with that) to utter and complete sadness. The tears have subsided but the pain absolutely has not. Shelby is with me every day, every waking minute.

I had initially wanted to put together a video montage of her photos for June – which will mark one year when she broke her leg (and I need to stop beating myself up for allowing her to miss the car and fall and thus break her leg) but then I decided I wanted to have it done for one month.

I have been in hibernation for the past month. Basically silent on FaceBook, Twitter and other social media outlets. I felt that it was important to mourn, properly, the loss of my best friend. I also felt that it would be insensitive to the love and happiness we had if I jumped back into my life too soon. I know that is a human thing and that most people wouldn’t judge me and even if they did – F them.

But I feel that it is time for me to start to live again. I have been running more, which is good for my heart and my soul. I have been slowly getting my eating healthy again and not just having wine and cookies for dinner. My pants are starting to fit again and I feel healthy. I feel guilty for healing but I have to believe that Shelby would not want me to be sad for the rest of my life.

As I looked through Shelby’s photos for her video, I decided it should be called “Shelby’s amazing life” and what a life she had. She was spoiled beyond reason. She always had plenty of toys, cookies, beds to chose from. She had the beach at her paws. Snow from when we lived in Seattle. Parks and mountains were her playgrounds. She was so loved by everyone who met her. What a lucky dog. Time and time again, people have said to me that if they were to come back, they wanted to come back as Shelby because she truly had the best life. And I loved to remind her of that when she would pout – I would ask her to tell me “how your life sucks”. Silly monkey. My little muffin!

There is the void that will always be there. And there will be ups and downs as I continue down this road. I am definitely not ready for another dog in my life. I am trying to figure out who I am. I am in a new decade of my life and while I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of being alone, I am trying to see this as a gift, an opportunity to further develop. Shelby trained me well. She trained me to live in the moment and as long as I don’t think too far ahead, I am stable.

I know my girl is creating havoc over the bridge. That little devil. She was the feisty one. I know she is making tons of news friends and I know that she is watching over me every single day. I still hear her breathing in the apt at night. I still open the door and look to her beds (which have remained unmoved) and to the bathroom but she’s never there.

So today … as I relive the last 48 hours together in my mind and remember our extraordinary life together, I also celebrate our amazing love story … I love you, Shelby girl. I miss you every day. And I will always remember your smile.

 

She loved her toys!

6 Comments »

  1. Christine Said,

    May 6, 2014@ 10:03 am      Reply

    Absolutely love the bunny ears, the ET impression and the last two pictures of you and her.. are strong and so full of love!

    Love Love Love it Alison.. great job on sharing Shelby’s Great Life!!!
    I just don’t know how you cannot smile while watching this video!!!
    grinning ear to ear here!!

    And you are right.. Shelby does not want you to be sad always…. You can’t be sad seeing these pictures… she was such a diva!! I love the looks she gives in her costumes.. some of them I am sure are like..”seriously? you want me to wear this??” lol

    Christine… with Franklin in her heart♥

  2. Michelle Said,

    May 6, 2014@ 10:17 am      Reply

    I love where you are in this journey. It is a good place. Don’t get me wrong I know you are still hurting. But to write what you did means that you are starting to heal. No one can tell you when the right time for a new fur baby to come into your life will be. You will know. I feel that Shelby will bring the right one to you when the time is right.
    Thank you so much for sharing Shelby’s amazing life with us & all her wonderful pictures

    Hugs
    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  3. benny55 Said,

    May 6, 2014@ 7:28 pm      Reply

    Alison, I’m having comuter issues…can’t see your pics right now…and when I go tonhit reply…it’ll ay web page unavailabe……so, I’m ot gon awrite much now because it’s frustraring when it wn’t post…..bt if this does go through, you’ll kmow I’m thinkingmofnyou and will write ore later, oky?

    Love tonyoj Sweet AlisonStrong and srroundingyou with ShelbyStrong’s strength

    Sally and Hapy Hannah

  4. benny55 Said,

    May 7, 2014@ 10:09 am      Reply

    Wll, I’m writing this as the youtube keeps teasing me by showing me a couple of seco ds of pics and then turns to a grey pictureless box. And that probably means when I go to hit the submit button it will just say “web page unavailable” or it won’t even acknowlege hit the stipid vutton

    Vut at least I got as far as the easter pic….Alison, she is sooooooooo loved and sooooooo happpy…..ueah, I was smiling vut I sure was crying withyou and for you too,

    I’m fonna keep coming back and I AM foing to see all of this! It just showed me the first pic…haven’t seen the second ne yet. HATE THIS TABLET…HATE VERIZON!!

    LOVE YOU AD SHELBY so mich! Because these blogs go up and down so fast, how bout posting this on a celebratio thread for Shelby in the forums.?

    I’ll be back!

  5. trituck Said,

    May 7, 2014@ 5:42 pm      Reply

    Hi Alison
    What a beautiful celebration of Shelby’s life…and what a wonderful one it was.

    Many hugs
    Linda and Tucker

  6. Codie Rae Said,

    May 10, 2014@ 8:14 pm      Reply

    Alison,

    What a beautiful tribute to Shelby and celebration of your life together. The song was perfect, your love for each other shines through in each photograph. So sweet. What wonderful memories you have! Thank you so much for sharing them with us.

    xoxox,
    Martha and the OP


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