Two months an angel

It’s been two months today (eight weeks exactly) that Shelby said goodbye to her cancer ridden body and was allowed to soar high above, all four legs back, and to start her new mission, serving as my personal guardian angel. I miss her so terribly much.

As I approach the one year marker of when she first broke her leg, a new flood of emotions permeates my heart and soul. This video was taken ONE week prior to her breaking her leg.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152290332424057&l=6940619971497862852

There are so many questions I have… how is it possible that four days later, on June 8th, she would miss the jump into the car and fall and break her leg. How would my otherwise happy and healthy dog embark on what would be the last 10 months of her life? How did I not see a limp or anything wrong with her? And the worst, why did I let her jump into that car? BUT I am working on striking those thoughts from my mind. Because there is no good that can come from “what if” and Shelby didn’t live like that. I vow again to “be more Shelby”.

About the number 8. I posted the other day on the Tripawds forums that I noticed that the number “8” plays a key role in Shelby’s 10 months on this earth.

June 8 – Shelby broke her leg
August 8 – I interviewed for the job that I ultimately get that would allow for me to take bereavement when Shelby passed
September 8 – Shelby’s spleen was enlarged and subsequently removed but thankfully I was home with her and able to get her to the ER before it ruptured, thus saving her life and finding the hemangiosarcoma cancer.
January 8 – Shelby becomes a Tripawd
April 8 – Shelby earns her wings

As was pointed out to me, eight turned on the side is the symbol for infinity. For as long as I can remember, I would tell Shelby that I loved her to the moon and back and for all infinity. I am not one to put a lot of stock in numerology but I cannot ignore the message presented to me here. Shelby is and remains my soul mate and that is forever.

I was also told that in Chinese culture, the number eight is lucky.

In the two months since Shelby has been gone, I’ve been up down and around. I worked intensely through the month of May which proved to be a great distraction for my immense grief. I went on a mini-vacation and had a lot of time to think and remember how much I truly miss Shelby. It was hard but it was important for me to do. And I found a penny on the floor in a dressing room in Palm Springs that let me know that Shelby was indeed with me that entire trip.

I have learned a lot about myself and how well (or not well) I am still handling this. I am finally able to look through photos on Petfinder without comparing every dog to my beautiful Shelby (I am not ready to adopt yet but I am no longer opposed to owning another fur-baby). I am going to start volunteering at a local animal rescue here in Los Angeles with the hope of being a ‘guardian angel’ volunteer which includes taking the dogs on hikes and runs to assess their temperament and activity levels for their future fur-ever home.  Will be a win/win for everyone – I’ll get in shape (again) and the dogs will get a decent amount of fresh air and activity.

And in two weeks I will participate in my 5th annual YAS Spin-A-Thon for cancer research. I have dedicated my ride and fundraising efforts to Shelby’s memory. Without modern medical advances in cancer fighting drugs, Shelby wouldn’t have received the great treatment and care that she did. It will be my most emotional and intense spin yet, but I will be dressed in head to two #tripawds attire and will spin with Shelby in my heart and on my back.

It’s true what they say, that the pain never really goes away. You just learn to manage it better. Some days are better than others. Weekends are still really hard. Summer, which was our favorite time of year, will be really hard.

This upcoming weekend will be really hard knowing that last year at this time we spent the weekend in the ER with her broken leg and were given the diagnosis of osteosarcoma which was later proven untrue. When I think of the emotional, gut-wrenching roller coaster of emotions I had at the beginning of June and how I found strength where I didn’t think I could. I knew I had to be strong for Shelby. And I know that I can and WILL find  the strength to get through this weekend and the subsequent weeks of this month (as I see the photo reminders from last year on my phone and Facebook page).

I just remind myself, that I did everything within my physical, medical and financial power with the information I had at that time. And that every vet would have made the exact same decisions I made.

And so with that , I chose to end this with some fun memories of my girl… till next time, Shelby Lynne. Remember, mommy loves you to the moon and back and for all infinity. XOXOXO