Month: March 2015

OMG the pain of missing my best girl is getting the best of me. They say it gets worse before it gets better and that is definitely 100% TRUE! Holy monkeys do I want to crawl into bed and cry and  cry and never come out.

This was my Facebook Status one year ago today:

It feels unreal that we simply didn’t know what was coming our way.  Was I blind? Was I stupid? Was I in denial? Or did the cancer really come on with a vengeance just three weeks later … after our last spring break together … and take my sweet angel from me? Did Shelby wait and hide her pain/illness because she knew somehow that we had spring break coming up and we were going to be together for a LONG week, all day, every day? She and I were so in-tune that I almost believe that to be true.

I miss dressing my best girl up. SUCH a good sport! Always. We aren’t even Irish but it was fun to ‘dress her up’ and take her photo. She looks angry but she loved it. She always got so excited when I would pull out her costume box.

I’ve been dreaming, a lot, about Shelby lately. She isn’t leaving me sparkles or pennies but she’s coming to me in my dreams. Sometimes happy dreams. Sometimes sad ones. I swear I woke up this morning, my face wet with tears. Can you cry in your sleep? Does the pain ever really stop? I stare and stare at her photos … willing myself to remember what those ears felt like, the kisses to that sweet little nose and cheeks. I loved kissing Shelby’s cheeks. I loved resting my face against her face and feeling her fur against my skin. I loved smelling in her scent and looking into her eyes and seeing more love than I knew what to do with. My best girl. My partner in crime.

Stay close to me, Shelby. I am relying on your strength. I cannot believe you’ve almost been gone from my arms for 12 months; one year. I promise I will make you proud. I promise I will celebrate your life next month. I promise I’ll share my french fries with little Jasper Lily like I used to with you. I promise I’ll let her be a dog and not watch her like a hawk all the time. Because you ran, you played, you LIVED life and you still got cancer. And you had no regrets about your time on earth. I am making peace with the regrets I have/had around your treatments … but I always know that every decision I made was made with the utmost love and compassion for you. If money was all it took, you would have lived forever …

I love you Shelby Lynne. Always and forever and to the moon and back for all eternity.

How can it be possible that it has been 11 months since I have felt that soft fur against my face, kissed those velvet ears, had the best snuggles in the world? How is possible that in one month, I will be honoring you with your one year angelversary? How is it possible that it hurts as much today as it did last Apri? How is possible that I might never heal fully from this loss? Is this simply my new reality? Laughter with a healthy dose of raw pain every single day? They say if you love hard, you grieve hard. That is so true.

One year ago we went to the beach. You were not feeling 100% after your last chemo but you loved the beach so we found a shady spot and you basked in the breeze, sniffed the air and relaxed. A calm always came over your body when we were together at the beach. I couldn’t have known that it was going to be our last month together. I am glad I didn’t know that. I am glad that we were able to spend those hours at the beach together, snuggling, cuddling and you – always – asserting your independence.

I am painfully aware – more so this past week – how precious our time on earth is. Too many friends have lost their beloved babies this year. I know you are busy welcoming them all over the rainbow bridge. Another dear friend, one of your Tripawd buddies, just learned her dog has another cancer and it is the same as yours. Life is cruel and unfair.

Our time on earth is short. You did have an amazing 13 1/2 years and I am forever honored that we spent them together. It is never enough time but the lessons you taught me in our last year together remain etched in my mind. Be more dog. Live in the moment. Be thankful. Be kind. Be loving.

So today, I honor you a little bit more. I hope you don’t mind that I am shedding several tears for you, my love … But today really hurts my heart. The next four weeks will be hard as I relive our time in my mind. But I know you will be at my side and you will guide me.

I love you forever and ever, sweet Shelby Lynne. I love you to the moon and back and for all eternity. Don’t be a stranger. Your mama needs you. Kisses, smooches, cuddles and love … you are the love of my life. I miss you. 

In honor of National “tri” day on 3/3 a little shout out to the “love of my life” and the cutest Tripawd I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Shelby … you embraced your new reality like a champ. You never missed that 4th leg. I remember the first morning after your amputation when I called the vet to see how you were doing and they told me you had been outside walking around and having your breakfast. Not even noticing that anything was different.

I had to run to keep up with you on those three legs – you were speedy like a puppy again.

You lived EACH and every day of those four wonderful “pain-free” months to the fullest. You didn’t let your new look identify you. You were always the “same. old. shelbylynne.”.

So on today, 3/3, I honor you and your legacy… your spirit lives on in everything that I do. I think about you every single day. Your lessons while you were still here and the ones you continue to give me guide me to be a better person and to truly embrace EACH day as the true gift it is. You inspire to me to “be more dog”.

I miss you Shelby Lynne. I was shopping this weekend and saw three different pieces of art that had our tagline – “I love you to the moon and back” … I know you wanted me to see those. I have never seen those on a poster before.

I love you Shelby Lynne. Until we are together again….my best girl, my best friend, the true love of my life …