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Mom2Shelby

Farewell to 2014 and our last year together

I almost don’t know what to say … me, speechless? How is that possible? I cannot believe that 2014 is almost over. I cannot believe that I am going to wake up tomorrow and start a new year without you by my side. It doesn’t seem real. I don’t want this year to end because then it really means I do have to move on. I don’t know what year without you looks like. I held on to 2014 for sooooo long because it was still our time together.

You were my date on New Years for the longest time. I hate NYE – so much pressure to be something you’re not, go something expensive and be with people you don’t really want to be with. You always snuggled with me, maybe we shared a pizza, I always drank wine and bubbles. But at the end of the night – it was YOU that was there. And it was your face that I snuggled first thing of the new year.

The tears feel like they will never end today. I have tried so hard to be so strong (your kind of strong) but I can’t today. I am scared for the first time. I do not want to enter 2015 without you. I want to live and stay in the past. I can’t “be more dog” or “live in the moment” because those moments don’t include you.

I don’t do well with finality. I don’t move forward easily. I grieve for you, my baby girl. I grieve for what we had and the memories that the months ahead will bring as I relive those last days, weeks that we had. When you lost your leg. Your residence in my bathroom. The discovery of your mets. The holding my breath non-stop daily. I would forget to breathe. The seizures you had that would terrify me but no one thought anything of it – you were anemic. There was always something. The long hours spent at ACC. Their number on speed-dial.

If we have to go into 2015, can we just fast forward to April so I don’t have to relive those moments again? They are truly too painful to even think about.

I miss you, Shelby Lynne. So tonight, as I say farewell to your last year on earth, I hope that you will send me some strength to wake up tomorrow and be strong, be grateful and feel fresh with the new year. A new year with so many possibilities … I will try and channel your amazing spirit and remember that you live on in me in everything I do. I will remember this quote: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. – Dr. Seuss

NYE 2013

NYE 2012

New Years 2012

” The Love of My Life”

7 Comments »

  1. Codie Rae Said,

    December 31, 2014@ 6:35 pm      Reply

    Oh Alison, you CAN live in the moment. Because Shelby is and will forever be there, right with you, in your heart, in each moment. It is simply not possible for you to leave her behind, even as you move forward. Make that wonderful quote your mantra!

    I know how hard it is to let go, but try to think of that future, with so many wonderful possibilities. You WILL have the strength to move on, one step, one moment at a time, with Shelby Lynne ALWAYS in your heart … and Jasper Lily by your side.

    Sending you peace and love for the new year,
    Martha

  2. Michelle Said,

    December 31, 2014@ 7:06 pm      Reply

    Alison,
    Martha hit the nail on the head. Shelby is always in your heart. She isn’t here physically but she still guides you and brought you JL to help with this transition. You live in the moment. It is ok to grieve that moving on but without moving on life would stand still and we all wouldn’t be who we are.
    JL is there to be that help (I think Shelby did pretty good picking her and guiding her) there are plenty adventures to be lived with Shelby guiding each & every one of them.

    Thinking of you and have a Happy New Year

    Hugs
    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  3. bcullom Said,

    December 31, 2014@ 9:15 pm      Reply

    How I love these pictures of Shelby……Alison, yep, I completely agree with Michelle, and what Martha posted, I could never articulate words and thoughts any better than she did……Shelby is and will be always with you and by your side…..

    I also had a good few moments of tears reading your post…..I was having very similar feelings about Polly…..but please remember also, no one understands like we do, and although it seems the grief will never end, you are stronger than you think you are. Jasper is proof of that….and yes, Dr Suess…..<3

    Keeping you in my thought and heart,
    Bonnie & Angel Polly, and sweet Pearl

  4. benny55 Said,

    December 31, 2014@ 9:24 pm      Reply

    The gift you have to give your heart words…to give your heart a voice…never ceases to amaze me. Such beautiful sentiments, so well said., so pure and raw.

    Martha snd Michelle really did speak the truth…Shelby is with you always in the moment…always has been, always will be. I mean, think about it. Do you thinks she’s up st the Bridge saying, “Oh, guess I can’t be with mom now because a date has changed on the calendar!”? HECK NO! She doesn’t give a rat’s a** about a “day”, a “year”, or a “month”! A calendar is something we humans came up with. It means NOTHING to Shelby and isn’t going to interfere with her being with you one bit!!

    The love you two have is timeless! Repeat that lovely mantra Martha gave you…”IT’S SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO LEAVE HER BEHIND, EVEN AS YOU MOVE FORWARD!” So true!

    I have to say, those pictures had me a little teary eyed. In part, because of their sheer beauty and serenity. In part because of the beautiful love story.

    Love and light,

    Sally and My Eternal Light Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle too!

    PS…Better put ear muffs on Jasper Lily..I’ve got a feeling firecrackers will be going off!

  5. leland4 Said,

    January 1, 2015@ 5:20 pm      Reply

    Alison,

    I do not think we could ever forget 2014. It was a hard year for many of us here with losing our special angels. I’m so much like you in that I don’t do well with finality and change easily either. I’ve learned to put on my “brave face” for the world (including with the hubby) but inside at times I’m a mess. Some days I just lose it and the tears that I don’t want others to see just start falling. It’s in those moments that I reach out to Leland and tell him how much I miss him and how loved he was.

    For me I’m hoping that in 2015 I can find more peace within my heart. I didn’t dread starting over and at least this year I’ll only have one major first to manage…the day we had to let Leland go.

    Hang in there my friend and we’ll all get through 2015 together.

    Hugs
    Sahana and her Angel Leland

  6. Candie Said,

    January 2, 2015@ 10:16 am      Reply

    Alison,

    This made me tear up, I understand that feeling all to well. My black lab Raven was truly the best dog friend I have ever had. Although her first 2 years as a puppy, there were many days I thought I might just have to strangle her (not really of course) she became the most wonderful friend a human could ever ask for. The 15 years I had with her will forever be in my heart. It has been over 10 years since I lost her but I miss her all the time. Looking back, although the loss is so deep, the times I shared with her are irreplaceable and I would not trade that time with her for anything! Hopefully 2015 will bring many happy memories with JL that would make Shelby happy knowing her Mommy is happy!! Their love for us is so deep and unconditional and dogs are so intuitive with our mood and feelings. Shelby would want you to feel nothing but love. warmth, peace and happy thoughts. May the memories of her sweet kisses, wagging tail and New Years celebrations keep your heart forever filled with loving thoughts. Hugs to you sweetie.

    Love

    Candie & Sarge

  7. harmony Said,

    January 8, 2015@ 12:57 pm      Reply

    I adore the last photo. I can see her personality in that image. It’s no wonder she was your heart dog.
    I wish I could give you a hug (a real one) because words are inadequate here.
    <3<3<3


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