Author: mom2shelby

I was reminded over the weekend that this journey can have some hiccups along the way and that life with a tripawd isn’t always a bed of roses. We had a mini earthquake last Friday night and while I don’t “love” earthquakes, when I commented that the little ones were good since they break up the pressure so we can avoid a BIG one, someone mentioned that that is a lot like this journey with a Tripawd dog with a terminal cancer. There can be little bumps in the road along our journey that can stop us in our tracks but it is important to remain calm, focus on the positive and remember to be more ‘dog’. Shelby continues to be blissfully unaware of the cruel disease fighting back at us inside her.

Last week Shelby had her 8th chemo treatment (two more than what we had signed up for but we switched treatments mid-course when the mets were discovered and it was determined that her leg was destroyed by hemangiosarcoma). As always, Shelby has a love/hate relationship with going to the clinic. The oncologist group is right next to the ER vet (the ones that did her surgery) so she’s got quite the fan club there which always turns into a 2+ hour visit since Shelby needs to see everyone. At her oncologist appt, we learned that Shelby is still very anemic and were prescribed some iron pills. We popped next door to visit with her favorite nurse, Andrea, who has been with us through all of Shelby’s surgeries. Andrea’s dog was diagnosed with the same cancer as Shelby around the time that we met. It broke her heart when Shelby had her spleen removed and was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma. Since that day, she has been an even stronger advocate for Shelby – their bond is so incredibly special – I can see it. Shelby is like that; she bonds with people in ways that I haven’t seen with other dogs in my life. She really “gets” people and loves unconditionally.

We learned, sadly, that Andrea’s dog, Lola, lost her battle a few weeks prior. Right after Shelby and I had seen her in February. We cried a bit, together, and celebrated that Shelby was doing so well. Andrea’s dog fought a valiant 9 month fight. More proof positive those statistics don’t mean a thing!

Shelby is coming up on her 6 month diagnosis with cancer – almost 9 months since her leg first broke. As each ‘anniversary’ approaches, I feel elated and trepidation.  I try and ‘live in the moment’ but it’s so hard when you have those dates creeping up on you.

Shelby had a rough go with this round of cancer. The carboplatin really hits her harder – makes her more lethargic and less interested in her food. We added the iron supplements and within 2 days, Shelby had extreme nausea. I can usually get her to eat SOMETHING but Sunday afternoon, after going for our walk, she just refused to eat. I finally forced some gluten free pasta into her and then noticed she was dripping from her mouth – not really drooling but drops on the rugs. A quick call to the ER vet advised me to wait an hour to see if her anti-nausea meds kicked in. They did not. Then she started to shake. I really didn’t want to rush out (it was after 8:30) but they told me to bring her in. On the way there, she just dipped and shook. We get there and she’s a perfect angel for them (of course). A quick exam and they determined it was probably the iron pills and to stop those until hearing from the onco. Thankfully no fluid in lungs/belly yet her remaining rear leg was a little bloated so they suggested I massage it to see if I can get the swelling to go down (they called it a cankle).

Shelby usually goes to the bathroom when she isn’t feeling well (as we have discovered in the past) and she did go in there Sunday. But I coaxed her out and she slept in her bed next to my floor all night. She was feeling a smidge better Monday a.m. when I left for work but still no real interest in food. I picked up some ground sirloin at the store that night and she had that and leftover gluten free pasta for dinner … the onco told us to ease off the iron pills until she gets back to normal. Shelby had serious GI distress Monday night and I could just tell she wasn’t feeling herself. Yesterday, she didn’t poop at all, and I could kind of tell she wanted to. I feel horrible when I get frustrated or annoyed on our walks – because she will start to pant, which indicates we have gone too far, but she refuses to go up the stairs. I know she wants to please me but I can tell she’s struggling. We went to bed last night without a poop but she ate a full healthy dinner of ground sirloin and white rice. I am just happy to see her eat.

So this a.m., I think she tried to poop or maybe she didn’t and I didn’t see it but she was definitely interested in eating this a.m. She had cookies, some deli meat from my lunch and a banana slice. Her energy/personality levels seemed great when I left. The swelling on her leg does appear to be going down. She was ears up/tail wagging/alert. I know we will have to deal with the low-iron issue eventually and I hope there is something else we can give her. And I know within a couple days, she will feel 100% better from her chemo treatment. But it is exhausting and heartbreaking to go through this. I wish I could “fix” it but all I do is look at her and tell her that she is a fighter, that I am proud of her and I thank GOD every day for another day with her. I give her lots of kisses … I try to be a good mom and try to mask my frustration on our walks when we don’t go as fast or as long. I have to believe that deep down in her soul, she knows that I am not really mad at her – I am mad at the situation. And that she remains, as always “the love of my life” and “#shelbystrong”.

We did it! I cannot believe it’s been two months since my quadpawd became a tripawd. What a whirlwind two months it has been. Shelby continues to adapt to her new gait/lifestyle better and better each day. The sparkle is definitely back in her eyes! And I continue to relax and learn to embrace each day as a new day, full of possibilities, potential and great love!

My birthday was last week and I think I was so incredibly anxious on the actual date because I was at home with Shelby and I wanted to make sure that I savored every minute of it while being ultra ‘on-guard’ to her every breath, movement, cough…. I think I was actually so worried that we would have to take a trip to Advanced Critical Care that I forgot to enjoy the day and just ‘be a dog’. I was so freaked out that my 40th birthday was going to be marred by a trip to the emergency vet that I forgot to the enjoy the day. Lesson learned – Shelby didn’t know it was a special day. She just knew it was a day that her mommy was home with her. But Shelby could definitely tell something was amiss and was a bit aloof most of the day (which was concerning to me). I worked at home on Friday due to the epic rain and was being more normal and Shelby, as a result, was more normal. Fast forward the entire weekend I was home with her (which was normal) and Shelby was picture perfect normal dog.

I wish there was a way to shut off my ‘crazy’ fear feelings about Shelby or that I could “forget” that she has lung mets. Shelby doesn’t know she is sick. I wish I could remove those thoughts from my mind as well. Because when I do push them far back, I do notice my girl acts more like herself but if she so much as senses that I am guarded or anxious – even if I don’t verbally articulate it – she starts to breathe a little harder, cough a bit more and shake. As soon as I offer her a treat, she relaxes and so do I. We are quite the pair.

Shelby has her 7th or 8th chemo treatment this week – I’ve lost track since we went over the prescribed treatment plan. I know the drill all to well now which is good since I don’t get as crazy anxious about it. I fully expect the lethargy, the very slight nausea and the lack of interest in things. She’s been on her mushroom therapy along with a plethora of other pills. What I don’t know is how we know if the mushrooms are really helping. I guess that they aren’t hurting means they are helping.

I have spring break from work in a couple of weeks. Shelby has always been the best travel buddy. There is a part of me that wants to take her on a mini-road trip (just an overnight). But there is the part of me that worries that I will even enjoy it if I am worried about Shelby and being so far (2 hours) from her vet(s). I might take her to lunch this weekend to see if we can dine together like we always do on vacation and if I can relax w/her there. My default is to pick her up – when strangers walk by, other dogs, to cross the street; all things I KNOW she can handle and yet I still treat her like a “China” doll. I am getting better. A meal out together would be a good test. I guess I worry more that Shelby has no concept of her limits and will over-exert herself and get injured.

I would also love to mark the 6 month anniversary of her hemangiosarcoma diagnosis – a week from this weekend. I don’t like to think too far in advance because I have seen on this forum things can change in the blink of an eye but I am cautiously optimistic that Shelby is doing really well.

We are at 7 weeks post-amp today. We have had our fair shares of ups and downs and I try and do my best and ride the roller coaster with Shelby since Shelby still is blissfully unaware she is fighting cancer.

We’ve had, for a while now, off and on, some digestive issues. From what I have heard, chemo can really wreak havoc on their digestive track – even longer than the initial days post treatment. So we finally got Shelby on a probiotic! Shelby’s on more supplements than even I take but I am hoping they are all doing their part to fight this cancer.

I finally had to get organized since my brain refuses to retain information and it’s all so overwhelming. Her pills include: fish oil (1), probiotic (1), iron pills (2), It’s Yumity – cancer fighting mushrooms (3) + she gets 1 ML of metacam. All at night. I mixed the powder into her meals. I also cook for her from a dog cookbook and currently she’s enjoying some doggy lasagna! Thankfully she doesn’t have the same issue with leftovers I do and will eat the same food day in and out. Basically it’s egg noodles, ground turkey, diced tomatoes, low-fat cottage cheese and some basil and oregano. Yummy!

She’s also been experiencing some odd behavior at night. She seems way more restless and anxious or hyper. Wants attention. Wants to go outside – a lot. I have read in a book on senior dogs that this is normal. As with most things with Shelby, it seems to come on all of a sudden and it is hard to pin-point her exact cause. She has also started BOLTING up from sleep and running across the room. Her vets don’t think she has phantom pain but we’ll watch it. She is eating like a champ (super hungry, hungry hippo all the time) drinks normally, is alert, happy  and does well on her walks so we’re not worried. I just can’t let go (as hard as I try) knowing that she has cancer and it’s in her lungs … every time she coughs, I freak out (even though she has always done that hacking thing), I worry that her chest or rib cage look bigger, I worry when she pants. But she is fine. She is doing really well. And she is happy.

Since there was a massive accident on the freeway this a.m., I chose to work at home and figured Shelby would be all up in my face for attention but actually, she’s quietly sleeping in her bed, content. So perhaps that is why she goes so bat crazy at night – because she rests all day.

Tomorrow will be my 40th birthday.  Shelby came to live with me when I was in my late 20s. When she first got sick last September, I prayed and prayed that she would make it to Christmas of last year (and she did). Then I prayed she would make it past the first two weeks in February which are hard because they are the anniversary of my father’s passing (and she did). Then I prayed she would make it past my birthday (and fingers crossed, she will).

I know that every day we have together is an amazing gift. I am thrilled that she and I have had so many wonderful experiences and adventures together in my 30s and as I bid goodbye to that decade of my life, I am grateful for the love and devotion of my best friend, through all the ups and downs, the good times, the bad. She has always licked my tears, comforted me, loved me unconditionally, taken care of me. And as I spend more time taking care of her and keeping my sad emotions at bay, I am thankful that I will start the next decade of my life with the best friend a girl could ever have.  She is the love of my life and she knows it! We are so blessed!

As those who have followed Shelby’s antics know, Shelby assumed residency of my bathroom about three days after her amputation.  At first it was kind of funny – she would just hang out in there but then she got aggressive with it. She refused to leave (even trying to coax her out with a cookie, she would grab the cookie and take it to the bathroom). My bathroom is tiny – just enough room for one person in there – let alone add a small dog! Since she refused to leave if I went in there, I would have to straddle her and the toilet to potty. I would have to lean over her to apply my make-up or brush my teeth. It was her ‘den’ and she wasn’t budging. I called the vets (they assured me while they had never heard of this, it wasn’t hurting her to ‘hang’ in there). My friends figured perhaps she had made it her ‘safe place’ for her recovery.

Two weeks into our recovery, she was still hanging in the bathroom and getting increasingly annoyed if I needed to get in there. I tried moving the purple bath mat that she loved to sit on to my bedroom to coax her to sleep in there – she just stood and stared at me until I put it back in the bathroom. One night, I decided to do a load of wash and washed the towels, including the bath mat. She was beyond upset. She couldn’t figure out where her beloved mat was and she kept going back to the bathroom to check and see if it had magically appeared. That was the same night our washing machine went wonky and almost didn’t work (God forbid the bath mat not get rinsed of it’s soap and put in the dryer). I tried to put a blanket in there to soothe her but she would have none of it. It had to be the bath mat in the bathroom.

Somewhere around week 4 or 5, I noticed she was spending less overall time in the bathroom. I had gotten so used to seeing her in there, I lost track of the time. When I would go to bed at night, she would have already tucked herself into bed in the bathroom. I would walk past and tell her goodnight (thinking if I stopped acting stressed about it, she would come out). One morning I came home from a run and she was on her bed – in the living room. The joy in my voice could be heard throughout the entire apt complex! Praise God – she’s out of the bathroom (she was back in it that night).

Slowly, she started to spend less time in there and more time in the living room and at the doorway to my bedroom. Never spending the entire night though. Then we had a breakthrough. Almost 5 weeks post-amp, she spent the night in my bedroom on her bed. I almost stepped on her since her bed is right next to mine and I had gotten so used to her not being there. The next night, the same thing. And again and again – Shelby has been in my bedroom for almost 2 straight weeks. In fact, she spends her days in there as I see her come out of there when I get home from work. I haven’t seen her step foot in that bathroom (except for Saturday night when she was being annoying and I told her to back off – she huffed herself up and turned and walked into the bathroom with a look of disgust at me in a passive aggressive move).

So here we are…. week 6 post-amp and Shelby is 100% back to her normal albeit crazy self. Shelby’s never been a dog that subscribes to the “status quo”. She has always danced to the beat of a different drummer from her irrational fear of crates and wind chimes to her desire think she’s “Ferdinand the Bull” in kicking up her rear legs (when she had 2) in anticipation of going crazy on a squirrel way up high in a tree. Many have described her as a “special” girl (and not in the flattering way). Shelby’s antics have amused my friends on Facebook for years from she and I having to have a conversation about “boundaries” when she takes food out of my hands or mouth if I am leaning near her or our utter co-dependence on each other; from both of us having aches/pains at the same time (cue my limping after a marathon to her starting to limp out of the blue long before her leg had cancer). Shelby and I have bond unlike any I have had with any dog in my life and most likely, unlike any bond I will ever have with another. She “gets” me and I “get” her and together, I think, we make a great team. So if anyone else ever has a dog that takes to the bathroom post surgery, know that it gets better. They will come out. And before you know it, your apt/home will be filled with fluff from toys and I personally wouldn’t have it any other way.

Shelby is doing amazing – just 6 weeks post-amp – what a fighter she is! I am so proud of my girl. She really lives each day and moment to the fullest and I learn more about her daily and when I didn’t I think I could be MORE in love with her, I am. She is my inspiration, my light, my everything. The good news is that she definitely seems to have relinquished her hold on my bathroom. She uses it more now as a ‘passive aggressive’ kind of sort of “F-U” to me if she wants to pout. Saturday night she was being a royal PITA (pain in the ass) and I told her to back off and she looked right at me, turned around and walked into the bathroom. I told her no and she came out and she was fine so it’s definitely apparent that the bathroom is her “go-to” place to annoy me. She sleeps each night (soundly) on her bed by my bed. She doesn’t start off on the bed and I did hear her turn around a couple of times last night. She also seems to breathe louder or heavier (or maybe she has always done that and is just a sound sleeper now).

I find myself doing it less and less each day BUT I still worry about every little thing she does and wonder if it’s the lung mets or the cancer or the amputation. Shelby is a strong-willed, fiercely independent dog and she tries to show me that daily. On our walks, she will cut corners, sometimes fall and sometimes slide and I know I could make it easier for her to force her to avoid the cracks in the road but I try not to. Now I open my front door and let her go down the stairs (as she used to) to the grass and she takes off like she’s free! Does it make me nervous? Every. Single. Time. Is she fine? Absolutely.

She plays a bit more in the evenings with me. She had chemo last week and it took a lot of out her this time. She was super sleepy, would eat and then crash (food coma) but yesterday she wanted to play and pulled out some of her toys to try and engage me. She also always has a mischievous look in her eyes when I leave for work that makes me wonder what she’s up to all day. We’ve had a couple accidents in the house but I think that was due to over feeding her veggies (she was probably getting more fiber than most humans do since I eat a ton of veggies and was tossing her some extras).

She should get her mushroom therapy this week and we are eager to get started on that for the cancer. We got the all-clear from her vets to exempt her from her vaccinations due to her cancer and chemo.

We spent a great long weekend together and I try really, really hard to focus on the good and not think about what those long weekends will look like if she’s not by my side. We’ve seen a lot of our Tripawd friends lose their battles this month and it breaks my heart and it makes it all very real to me and what we are dealing with. Cancer – human or dog  – is just flipping awful. It’s heartbreaking to see those posts and yet I feel a sense of responsibility to click on them, read the stories, offer our condolences and hold them in our hearts. We are all in this together. As much as we don’t all want to be a part of this “group” – this group continues to be a great source of comfort to me; through the good and the bad.

And our weekly dose of cuteness …

Clearly math is not my strong suit since I kept thinking we were over the 5 week mark and marching past week 6! Oops! Shelby had her rear amputation on January 8th.

So I guess it’s even more amazing that she’s doing so well in such a short amount of time. Shelby visited with her fan club yesterday at Veterinary Cancer Group of Los Angeles and they were all pleased by how well she was moving/getting around and how *some* fur is growing back. Shelby had finished her chemo treatments three weeks ago so we were really there for some X-rays and get on a maintenance dose of chemo for life. After a review of her X-rays, her oncologist, Dr. Turner, noticed that Shelby’s lung mets hadn’t really changed (or if anything, the growth was marginal) which is good AND bad news. Good that they aren’t growing so her chemo is working and bad that they aren’t shrinking either which means that they are fighting back. So we decided to do another couple rounds of chemo on Shelby since it can’t hurt and it can only help to get her to the maintenance part in a better place.

I am choosing to focus on the extremely positive part of this – they didn’t grow tremendously and considering my dog has an extremely aggressive blood cancer, this is good news. And those mets didn’t show up until almost 4 months into her treatment which means we can still fight them.  At the end of the day, we all know that my dog most likely has had cancer since June when she first broke her leg (and we couldn’t find the cancer even then) so that gives me the hope that everything we have done along the way has been the absolute right decision. If we were indeed given 6 months from starting of chemo, that puts us at March and I believe Shelby is going to run right through March, headed for April, May, June and beyond … My dog is a fighter. She acts more and more like herself every day. She has an amazing spirit and will to live.

And each day, I see more and more of my girl coming back. The other night, she played for the first time (on her own, with no food involved). She spends less time (if any) in the bathroom which was her den for so long after her recovery that I truly never thought she would come out of there again. But the absolute BEST part of my day today was waking up and having my girl, sound asleep, on her bed, next to my bed. She hasn’t slept in my room since this happened. I think she was less than thrilled that I woke her up at 4:30 a.m. so I could walk her before my run but I had to kiss, snuggle and praise her for being by my side all night. It’s the little things that give us joy and remind us that we are seeing improvements, no matter how tiny they might be. Every day brings a new set of challenges and opportunities. I have often said, what I wouldn’t do to be more like Shelby, to wake up every single day with a clean slate, a world of opportunities ahead of me, wagging a tail. Because my  girl is a happy girl. She is LOVED by so many and she feels the love. She spent over 2 hours at the vet yesterday and her appt. was only about an hour – she had to visit all the nurses, techs, doctors that have fought so hard for her.

People ask how I can be positive or upbeat – faced with living with a dog that I know has terminal cancer. My answer is, what other choice do I really have? Shelby reads every single feeling, emotion I have, long before I even know it, she’s feeling it. My only choice is to be a strong pack leader – to let her know that I am proud of her, that I love her and that she is a fighter. And I truly think that, 5 weeks in, I can finally breathe a bigger sigh of relief and we can get back to living our life as it was. That she didn’t freak out in the car yesterday (YAY we  can go on road trips again), that she is walking better and kind of positioning that back leg in the middle like a true “tripod” (YAY down to the beach for us), that she can sit like a lady in my lap (YAY happy hour)…. Two weeks from tomorrow, I will turn 40. Shelby has been a part of my life since my 20s, through my 30s and soon my 40s. I couldn’t be happier today.

Shelby is about 5 1/2 weeks post-amp and things are getting back to normal (or rather our new normal). She’s spending less time in the bathroom but still goes in there from time to time but definitely less than she was). I have started cooking for her since she’s gotten rather chunky (and I can tell this from when I pick her up and down to carry her when she feels like being a princess). She’s getting better at being lifted, a little less ‘dead weight’ – she even kind of helps by lifting/hopping into my arms. It’s usually just the stairs or I’ll pick her up when I see a dog coming toward us or a puddle that I don’t want her splashing through. I am still a rather nervous dog mom but definitely treating her less like a “China doll” than I was.

Her issues with colitis cleared up nicely and she’s 100% normal in that department. She still pants off and on at night but I wonder if that’s because she wants attention, wants to go out (EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES.) or if it’s her lung mets. She usually stops w/in a few minutes if she doesn’t get her way so I think she’s playing me.

She roams a lot at night, I think. I don’t hear her so much anymore but I usually wake up and she’s in the living room in her bed or on the floor. NO matter if I put the beds in my room, she will not sleep the night in there with me anymore BUT she will stay in there until I fall asleep. Friday was a rough day on me personally and it’s like Shelby knew she had to be the strong pack leader, act like she was and take care of me. It still amazes me – after 13 years together – how she can read me like a book and just know when I need her to be strong.

We go to the vet tomorrow for some X-rays (dreading that) and to get her maintenance dose of chemo. I feel in my heart she is doing great, eating normally, playing (sort of), alert, happy, excited to see me and to live … I know there are mets but I don’t want to know or hear about it. I only want to focus on all the positive stuff and pray that those mets aren’t any bigger than they were 6 weeks ago when they first showed up. So I am going to practice my ‘being the dog’ and live in the moment and think positive stuff for all things Shelby. Because I am so proud of my girl and so proud of how we have weathered each and every storm.  My birthday falls at the end of the month and I feel confident Shelby is going to enter a new decade of life by my side!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIGcTf0LR7Q – Shelby prancing around ready to go outside!

What a journey it’s been! When I made the decision to amputate Shelby’s leg, I told her surgeons that even if we made it one month pain-free it was worth it. And it’s been a hard month but definitely worth it. Shelby continues to improve and show those vets/doctors/statistics that she is anything BUT normal in her healing process. She’s getting that spirited “terrier” energy back and I couldn’t be happier. We both know (well, rather I know) we have a long road ahead of us but I desperately try and make each moment and day count. We thank our lucky stars and God every morning together for another day together. We have evening snuggle time that has replaced evening playtime. But I still feel optimistic that my home will once again look like a “build-a-bear” store exploded in it with fluff all over the place. I just think she can’t figure out how to balance and play w/the three legs like she used to.

February is always a hard month on me (this week marks the 17th anniversary of my father’s passing). The first two weeks of the month are hard and bittersweet , fresh with lots of emotion. Then the second half of the month is where I gear up to celebrate my birthday on the 27th. All I ask from the universe is to have my best friend, love of my life, by my side, as she has for the past 13 years to help me through this.  And she will be.

She is spending less and less time in the bathroom, however she still goes in there to either get away from me OR pout. She didn’t sleep in my room last night but she slept on the floor in the living room. She’s finding her way for sure. She wants to be back up on my bed which is heart-breaking but unless I am awake and can watch her, she isn’t allowed since she WOULD jump down and she WOULD hurt herself. I saw her looking at the couch last night while I was on it and she was clearly trying to figure out if she could get up there on her own (I didn’t let her try – I brought her up). She feels like she’s getting fat or heavier but we go back to the vet next week for X-rays and our maintenance dose of chemo drugs so we’ll see if she’s gained any weight since the last time she was there.

I ordered a great cook-book off this site so I can cook for her (if she likes my cooking, most people do not as I am a horrible cook and much better baker). But since she turns her nose up at regular food anymore, it’s what we have to do or I’ll have to buy her canned food since mixing that with kibble is the only way she eats dinner. She had carrots and cucumbers and a cookie for breakfast! She gets green beans with pure pumpkin mixed in with kibble for dinner but without something else ‘moist’ in there or ‘meaty’ she picks out the veggies!

So #shelbystrong is quickly turning into #shelbyspoiled and we would not have it any other way!

And we are starting to settle into our new normal. It hasn’t been easy (but no one said it would be). She has become increasingly needy and affectionate in the evenings – demanding to be pet nonstop for hours on end. Also demands to be on the couch. When she doesn’t get her way, she starts to huff/puff and pant. She’s starting to learn that I don’t respond to that. So she will take to the bathroom in a pouting manner. I let her go and figure, like a child, she will work it out on her own. She does have to potty more at night (or again, she might be trying to get more walks).

She had two accidents in the house this week which were upsetting for the both of us. She never messes in the house so I know that was hard on her. For me – I am not used to picking up after a dog in the house as she was trained when I rescued her. I try and be more aware when we walk and make sure she has ample time to do her business. I am also transitioning her off ‘human’ foods so hopefully she will have less digestive issues.

I have to step back and remind myself (as my friends on this website like to remind me) that my dog is truly amazing. All she’s been through in 7 months, three major surgeries, chemo, a blood transfusion … that she’s eating/sleeping normally is really amazing. And I think the more I question our “new” normal, the more upsetting it is for her. She can read my emotions like no other dog ever has – she is in my head 24/7 and she knows when I am happy or sad without my even knowing it. It’s freaky how connected we are.

But this week we had some more glimmers of “old” Shelby. She is able to shake her paw now (which was hard since she shakes w/her right and it was her left hind leg that was amputated so she can’t balance like she used to). But she’s done it a couple of times  – on her own. She also prances like she used to for attention, walks, etc (I can tell she “wants” to jump like she used but knows that she cannot). She will snuggle and lets me kiss on her as much as I want.

She still sleeps in the bathroom at night but I know she checks on me since I hear her moving around. I also caught her keeping guard this am. on my floor. I think it’s harder for her to get up and down on 3 legs so I’ll ask her vet about that. Thus the reason she probably just stands around. As I type this, she is curled up in her bed, amp side up (but it was the other way earlier). I can hear the peaceful sounds of her snoring and it’s music to my ears.

I really struggle with grieving for what we don’t have anymore – the long walks, the hikes, the playtime with tossing her toys around. I know she isn’t in pain and she’s just happy to see me but I hate when I see other dogs out and about that can run/jump/play, it makes me sad for Shelby. That is a human emotion as this site has taught me so much that dogs don’t know what they can’t do – only that they are loved and pain-free. Oh the life of a dog…. it’s simple and best!

WOW … what a difference three weeks makes. I can remember 3 weeks ago tonight, I was rushing to Advanced Critical Care to visit my brand new tripawd (who was so drugged yet she wagged her tail so she knew I was there). I was scared and nervous to see her new look and thankfully she had a bandage on her wound to ease me into it.

Flash forward three LONG weeks. Shelby and I have had so many ups and downs. The first night she was home was clearly the honeymoon period as it only went downhill from there. Our first weekend, I wanted to cry from lack of sleep and being unable to calm or soothe her (I even begged the vet to take her back till she chilled out).

We removed her pain patch and reduced her pain meds and added some doggy valium. It sort of helped. She assumed ownership of my bathroom and still hangs out in there at night but definitely lets me in there more often than not.

Nights are still hard on us. I get home from work around 5/530 and she’s happy and alert to see me. We go for a quick walk and I fix her dinner. Our new dinner routines takes about 3 rounds of negotiations before she eats it all. Basically I have to add stock or something to make it taste/look better. It’s a constant back and forth of my adding stuff to make it more palatable to her. And it’s not that she’s not hungry (she IS). She just wants chicken or turkey w/her dinner. Spoiled! Then she has a quick nap w/me on the couch (approved couch time only). Snuggles, pets, cuddles galore!!!

After I eat my dinner, take her out for a quick pee, all hell breaks loose. She pants, she paces, she stands. NO reason. This goes on for about 1/2 hour while I desperately try and ignore it as to not enable her. She hates if I am on the phone, the computer, anything that detracts from her. Her front limbs seem more stiff but that doesn’t make sense to me. Finally she puts herself to bed in the bathroom and I just have to assume (since I can’t see her) that she’s fine and not doing anything she shouldn’t be.

So three weeks down…. this mom is trying to be less anxious, less quick to pick her up and coddle her OR feed her when she goes a little bat crazy, more trying to ignore it since it’s not real pain or discomfort but rather a tactic (I hope) to get attention. I still freak out when she walks on an uneven sidewalk or does a quick hop/step to reverse course. I tend to pick her up when anyone comes w/in a foot of us. I pick her up to carry her across the street. Our new normal is definitely harder on me. I don’t regret taking her painful leg off. I just wish that I could ease up. Perhaps it’s harder on the humans. Oh to be a dog… ignorance really can be bliss. #shelbystrong