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OMG the pain of missing my best girl is getting the best of me. They say it gets worse before it gets better and that is definitely 100% TRUE! Holy monkeys do I want to crawl into bed and cry and  cry and never come out.

This was my Facebook Status one year ago today:

It feels unreal that we simply didn’t know what was coming our way.  Was I blind? Was I stupid? Was I in denial? Or did the cancer really come on with a vengeance just three weeks later … after our last spring break together … and take my sweet angel from me? Did Shelby wait and hide her pain/illness because she knew somehow that we had spring break coming up and we were going to be together for a LONG week, all day, every day? She and I were so in-tune that I almost believe that to be true.

I miss dressing my best girl up. SUCH a good sport! Always. We aren’t even Irish but it was fun to ‘dress her up’ and take her photo. She looks angry but she loved it. She always got so excited when I would pull out her costume box.

I’ve been dreaming, a lot, about Shelby lately. She isn’t leaving me sparkles or pennies but she’s coming to me in my dreams. Sometimes happy dreams. Sometimes sad ones. I swear I woke up this morning, my face wet with tears. Can you cry in your sleep? Does the pain ever really stop? I stare and stare at her photos … willing myself to remember what those ears felt like, the kisses to that sweet little nose and cheeks. I loved kissing Shelby’s cheeks. I loved resting my face against her face and feeling her fur against my skin. I loved smelling in her scent and looking into her eyes and seeing more love than I knew what to do with. My best girl. My partner in crime.

Stay close to me, Shelby. I am relying on your strength. I cannot believe you’ve almost been gone from my arms for 12 months; one year. I promise I will make you proud. I promise I will celebrate your life next month. I promise I’ll share my french fries with little Jasper Lily like I used to with you. I promise I’ll let her be a dog and not watch her like a hawk all the time. Because you ran, you played, you LIVED life and you still got cancer. And you had no regrets about your time on earth. I am making peace with the regrets I have/had around your treatments … but I always know that every decision I made was made with the utmost love and compassion for you. If money was all it took, you would have lived forever …

I love you Shelby Lynne. Always and forever and to the moon and back for all eternity.

How can it be possible that it has been 11 months since I have felt that soft fur against my face, kissed those velvet ears, had the best snuggles in the world? How is possible that in one month, I will be honoring you with your one year angelversary? How is it possible that it hurts as much today as it did last Apri? How is possible that I might never heal fully from this loss? Is this simply my new reality? Laughter with a healthy dose of raw pain every single day? They say if you love hard, you grieve hard. That is so true.

One year ago we went to the beach. You were not feeling 100% after your last chemo but you loved the beach so we found a shady spot and you basked in the breeze, sniffed the air and relaxed. A calm always came over your body when we were together at the beach. I couldn’t have known that it was going to be our last month together. I am glad I didn’t know that. I am glad that we were able to spend those hours at the beach together, snuggling, cuddling and you – always – asserting your independence.

I am painfully aware – more so this past week – how precious our time on earth is. Too many friends have lost their beloved babies this year. I know you are busy welcoming them all over the rainbow bridge. Another dear friend, one of your Tripawd buddies, just learned her dog has another cancer and it is the same as yours. Life is cruel and unfair.

Our time on earth is short. You did have an amazing 13 1/2 years and I am forever honored that we spent them together. It is never enough time but the lessons you taught me in our last year together remain etched in my mind. Be more dog. Live in the moment. Be thankful. Be kind. Be loving.

So today, I honor you a little bit more. I hope you don’t mind that I am shedding several tears for you, my love … But today really hurts my heart. The next four weeks will be hard as I relive our time in my mind. But I know you will be at my side and you will guide me.

I love you forever and ever, sweet Shelby Lynne. I love you to the moon and back and for all eternity. Don’t be a stranger. Your mama needs you. Kisses, smooches, cuddles and love … you are the love of my life. I miss you. 

In honor of National “tri” day on 3/3 a little shout out to the “love of my life” and the cutest Tripawd I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Shelby … you embraced your new reality like a champ. You never missed that 4th leg. I remember the first morning after your amputation when I called the vet to see how you were doing and they told me you had been outside walking around and having your breakfast. Not even noticing that anything was different.

I had to run to keep up with you on those three legs – you were speedy like a puppy again.

You lived EACH and every day of those four wonderful “pain-free” months to the fullest. You didn’t let your new look identify you. You were always the “same. old. shelbylynne.”.

So on today, 3/3, I honor you and your legacy… your spirit lives on in everything that I do. I think about you every single day. Your lessons while you were still here and the ones you continue to give me guide me to be a better person and to truly embrace EACH day as the true gift it is. You inspire to me to “be more dog”.

I miss you Shelby Lynne. I was shopping this weekend and saw three different pieces of art that had our tagline – “I love you to the moon and back” … I know you wanted me to see those. I have never seen those on a poster before.

I love you Shelby Lynne. Until we are together again….my best girl, my best friend, the true love of my life …

Happy Valentine’s Day Shelby Lynne! Mommy misses you very much. You were always the BEST date a girl could ever ask for! You didn’t bring me flowers or chocolate but you always showered me with love and affection and that always lasts much longer.

I am not one of those ‘anti-Valentines’ girls … it really is “just another day” and I think one should love year around. Not just on a day that Hallmark says we should.

And you did love year-round, Shelby Lynne. For over 13 years I was blessed with the best and most unconditional love a girl could ask for. We had a love story like none other. Our love story continues in your spirit and in photos. As we inch closer to your one year angelversary, I see so many more photos I took of us kissing, snuggling (SNUGGLES!!!) and in my arms. You always fit perfect. From DAY one I could and would hold you like a baby and you became jelly in my arms. People would remark on how you propped your arm around me and let me hold you. Like a baby.

You wanted to be in my arms as much as I wanted you there.

So Happy Valentines to my one true love … the love of my life! You will definitely be more so in my heart tomorrow.

It beyond pains me to write that …. it makes me realize that in 2 short months it will be one year since you left your earthly body and joined the others in heaven as an angel. I miss you so much Shelby. I keep thinking the pain will become less and for the most part, it has but it still shakes my inner core. Daily.

This was a double-whammy weekend for me. Yesterday was the 18th year anniversary of when my daddy earned his wings. I know you are BOTH looking out for me all the time. I know you have met up and you are best friends. He would have loved you here on earth so I know he adores you in heaven.

Yesterday I reconnected with my college roommate and she has a memory like non-other. She reminded me of when she came to visit in New Orleans and you ate ALL the snacks out of her bag. She remembered how you instantly became her best friend and snuggled with her on the couch.

It’s Mardi Gras season in New Orleans. You were the epitome of Mardi Gras, with your beads and boas. Such a beautiful girl all the time.

I still remember the “Mystic Krewe of Barkus” when we spray-painted you blue and you were a “blue suede show” since the them was Elvis. That paint took forever to come off in the bathtub (it was non-toxic, of course). My then boyfriend and I walked the parade with you with beads thrown at us. How patient and what a good sport in those little booties that I know you hated. Nothing was as funny as watching you walk like you were trying to shake them off. They brought me endless entertainment for months / years to come.

I remember our 2nd Mardi Gras when you ate an entire package of red vine and were vomiting and pooping at the same time and I had to navigate through parade traffic to get you to the ER vet. They pumped your little belly and gave you a saline patch and you looked like a camel with a hump. And I refused to leave your side – even then. Anything for you my baby girl.

Oh Shelby Lynne… no signs this month. Have you forgotten about us? Do you feel replaced by the little black and tan dog in my home now? She will never replace you. She will never be the “true love of my life”. I love her and she brings me much joy and I know you sent her to me to fill the void since you hated to see me sad and crying. I miss you so much. Life seems to move soooo slow when I think about the days and months and hours I have to count until we are together again.

I pray for some strength to take me through these next couple of months – that I know will be so incredibly hard for me. I plan to be in Seattle and Oregon right before your one-year anniversary. I want to take some of your ashes with me and leave them on the beach in Cannon Beach. Remember how we used to go there as a respite from the busy life in Seattle? I’m bringing the little black and tan dog but I know she won’t have as much fun as you. The beach forever remains our thing. It is where our two souls became one and secured our bond for forever.

I hope you are happy … I hope you are playing and laughing and smiling … and I hope you never forget how much I love you and I miss you. You are forever the love of my life. I love you, Shelby Lynne, to the moon and back and for all eternity.

How was it possible I never knew this was a thing until this year? From the day I brought Shelby home, she was a patient girl. She let me put Mardi Gras beads and feather boas around her neck, put her in a jacket and cowboy hat in public. Dressing up was our thing! Shelby and I would attend monthly “Yappy Hours” near our home in New Orleans. There was *usually* a costume contest and Shelby always rocked. From her bikini (first prize) to cowgirl to 4th of July in a Fez cap… Shelby was the world’s most patient dog.

I never went for the store bought costumes. It was always more fun to ‘create’ my own. Never mind that I cannot sew a button on a pair of pants let alone use a sewing machine, most of Shelby’s costumes were created by simply wrapping stuff around her. Yet she never snapped. She never got angry. In fact, I think she looked forward to my pulling out the box of treasures (clothes) and seeing what we could put together. Despite the look on her face (“I will murder you in your sleep), I think she truly loved dressing up.

I still have that box of stuff. It’s under my bed. I don’t know what I will do with the sweaters, the antlers, the Santa costumes. I can’t bear to get rid of them and I can’t bear to look at them. But the memories that reside within that box. When we went to an event in New Orleans around Easter called “Hats and Hounds” and Shelby got her first southern girl bonnet. From the denim jacket that I had to bedazzle to make it even more tacky than it was. To her last Christmas dress… a beautiful velvet plaid dress that she wore so proudly just weeks before her amputation.

I miss my dress up buddy. When I spoke with the animal communicator a few months back, she let me know that Shelby is wearing a ‘crown’ over the bridge. It comforts me and brings me peace knowing that my girl is still in style.

So a few of our favorites … I miss you Shelby Lynne. But your life and style will live on forever!

January 8, 2014 will forever be etched in my mind. The day we amputated Shelby’s painful leg. Looking back now, she never fully recovered from the broken leg and I probably should have done this sooner but I refuse to play the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” mind game with myself anymore. Shelby wouldn’t want that and I cannot have that.

I remember this day like it was yesterday. The fear I felt dropping her off. She was already battling cancer, had had two major surgeries already (her broken leg repaired and her spleen out). It was a lot for anyone – let alone a 24 pound dog. She was in-between chemo treatments and had the blessing of her oncologist. The surgery almost didn’t happen. Her blood cells (red or white I can never remember) were low. She had a slight heart murmur/situation. I just prayed and prayed that she would make it through and I hadn’t waited too long. Petrified. Anxious. Pacing. On the Tripawds website ALL day. I still cannot go back read those posts. I cannot handle seeing what I was truly going through that day. But I will never forget the love and support I received from strangers (at the time), people who have since become ‘family’ to me.

Shelby flew through her surgery like a champ. I am sure her surgeon breathed as big a sigh of relief as I did when I got that call that night. Nerves of steel. I cannot even imagine that pressure she felt. I just said  – one month of pain free and it is worth it. We got four months. Four exact months. No regrets.

I visited with Shelby each night she was at the hospital. She was doing amazing. She walked right away. She layed on her amp site. She was a champ. Until about 5 days post surgery and thus began a long battle to get the sparkle back. I never regretted my decision to remove her leg. I knew it was the meds making her crazy. I knew she had a lot of stuff going on. She was a fighter and a trooper and I was supported. Albeit exhausted.

So one year ago today – we said goodbye to the quadpawd and Shelby joined the Tripawds nation. She was a PROUD member. I was SO proud of her. I loved taking her places. Showing people how GREAT a dog can do on three legs. She never let that define her. She was my ‘same old Shelby’.

So now, nine months since we said goodbye to her earthly presence, a couple days into the new year (the first new year without Shelby)I am hopeful that the next four months will just go by … easily and without too much emotion. I know that as I relive in my mind our final months together, I will ride the wave of roller coaster of emotions. I will do my best to “be more Shelby” and focus on the positives of her Tripawd journey; how happy she really was, how LOVED she was, how spoiled. And how I was able to give her the most dignified passing in a place she loved the best. I know the next several months will be excruciating. I have emotionally planned for it and said that it is OK to cry and be sad. That I am stronger than I give myself credit and I will lean on little Jasper for extra comfort. I will do things in Shelby’s honor, such as continue to be a part of the Tripawd nation, keep up with my runs that I love so much, perhaps even consider training for a race again … all things I put on hold while my world revolved around Shelby.

Nine months an angel. How is that possible? I saw a dime on the counter today. Was that a sign? Usually Shelby sends pennies or sparkles but perhaps she needed to go BIG today. She knew I was desperate for something and I always look for something around the 8th of each month. My hope is that one day I will dread the “8th” a little less. That it will come and go without much fanfare.

So with this I end where we started one year ago today… my facebook post:

One of my favorite shots of Shelby, in her element, happy as a clam, on the top of the world. This was taken before she broke her leg back in June which started our long journey to where we are today. As anyone who has followed her journey to recovery, you know she is a strong dog with a fighting and independent spirit. And I always said I would ANYTHING in my power to help keep her healthy AND happy and sadly, my best girl is not happy right now. Her leg continues to slow her down and be a major thorn in her side.

That said, together, her many doctors and myself, have made the smart choice to amputate that leg tomorrow. Her quality of life is declining and that isn’t fair to her. I have gone back and forth with this decision over the past several months, from the beginning when that was the only choice we had to deciding to save the leg when there was no cancer found. All along I have been guided by the best doctors in Los Angeles and while I feel tremendous guilt about not doing this back in June, I have been assured, by many, that I made the right choice with the information that I had.

So I ask, again, for your love, your prayers, healing energy, your support for my girl as we begin our new life as a ‘tripawd’. I have no doubt she will be the cutest ‘tripawd’ on the block! And before long, we will get back to our favorite activities together, especially her favorite, beach time, where she can run freely and without pain. Thank you friends!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I almost don’t know what to say … me, speechless? How is that possible? I cannot believe that 2014 is almost over. I cannot believe that I am going to wake up tomorrow and start a new year without you by my side. It doesn’t seem real. I don’t want this year to end because then it really means I do have to move on. I don’t know what year without you looks like. I held on to 2014 for sooooo long because it was still our time together.

You were my date on New Years for the longest time. I hate NYE – so much pressure to be something you’re not, go something expensive and be with people you don’t really want to be with. You always snuggled with me, maybe we shared a pizza, I always drank wine and bubbles. But at the end of the night – it was YOU that was there. And it was your face that I snuggled first thing of the new year.

The tears feel like they will never end today. I have tried so hard to be so strong (your kind of strong) but I can’t today. I am scared for the first time. I do not want to enter 2015 without you. I want to live and stay in the past. I can’t “be more dog” or “live in the moment” because those moments don’t include you.

I don’t do well with finality. I don’t move forward easily. I grieve for you, my baby girl. I grieve for what we had and the memories that the months ahead will bring as I relive those last days, weeks that we had. When you lost your leg. Your residence in my bathroom. The discovery of your mets. The holding my breath non-stop daily. I would forget to breathe. The seizures you had that would terrify me but no one thought anything of it – you were anemic. There was always something. The long hours spent at ACC. Their number on speed-dial.

If we have to go into 2015, can we just fast forward to April so I don’t have to relive those moments again? They are truly too painful to even think about.

I miss you, Shelby Lynne. So tonight, as I say farewell to your last year on earth, I hope that you will send me some strength to wake up tomorrow and be strong, be grateful and feel fresh with the new year. A new year with so many possibilities … I will try and channel your amazing spirit and remember that you live on in me in everything I do. I will remember this quote: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”. – Dr. Seuss

Christmas will not be the same this year without you. My heart forever aches for you, your velvet ears, your little face, the way you would play (gentle) “bite the hand”. I spent the other night looking at old videos of you opening your gifts, playing! Oh how I wish I had more videos but even if I had a million, it would never be enough.

I’ll miss our annual “walk on the beach” with your festive attire. I never dressed up. It was all you – you were the show! You always made me so proud; such a good sport.

There is hole in my heart that will never be filled but each day I feel more and more confident that your spirit WILL live on forever. And you will not be forgotten. I come back to these forums daily. Because I need to be a support to those in this journey and because I need to keep your story alive. I have not and can not let go.

Till the day I take my last breath I will talk about you, remember you, love you with my whole heart.

The void is a little less. You sent me Jasper earlier this year and as much as I tried to put up a wall to protect myself, she broke that down. I do care deeply for her. Not in the same way I love and feel love for you but different. You knew that it would take me some time. You knew that I had a lot of barriers to overcome so that is why you sent her early so that by Christmas, my heart would be receptive to love and I would be able to try and enjoy the holidays a little bit. Always thinking, my best girl… always~ You knew Christmas would be even harder than it usually is so you were proactive. I love you for that.

This is the hardest Christmas since the one right after I lost my father. The lights don’t sparkle as bright. My heart feels a lot empty. And every time I hear “Silent Night”, I burst into tears! But I think because I have felt such significant loss in my young life (the loss of a parent), I am better equipped to handle the pain. People tell me I am strong. I guess I am. I am just feel sad. And I am OK with that. Because I know that eventually the sadness will pass and the happy memories we shared will come back.

Merry Christmas my sweet angel… thank you for watching out for me – always. I love you. To the moon and back and for all eternity.

Shelby, my love, the holidays have been wicked hard for me this year. You know that. You’ve been visiting (I assume). You saw me cry most of Saturday and Sunday I was useless. BUT I did bake the holiday treats I planned to take to your vets and nurses to close up the year. I wanted (needed) closure on this hard year. I needed them to see that I was OK (I assume they actually think about us). I needed them to meet little Jasper Lily … in case, heaven forbid she ever need their services. And most of all, I needed to thank them, from us, for ALL they did for you and us.

Dr. Turner, your oncologist wasn’t in today (how could I forget she doesn’t work Mondays). But the nurses recognized me and remembered you. Of course they did. You were SO happy all the time.

I walked next door to Advanced Critical Care – the place I spent hours, in the lobby, in waiting rooms with you, on the phone with. The first face I saw was dear Andrea. You loved her. And she loved you so much. She was SOOOO happy to see me (and to meet little JL). She said she still has your photo on the wall by her desk! You were so loved by them. They all remembered you and believed that you had a paw in sending me little Jasper. It was a lot for Jasper to take in; but she took it like a champ. She has very big paws to fill (they told her) but she was great. She was friendly and not scared. You were guiding us both.

As I drove up, it was eerily familiar yet I wasn’t as sad as I thought I would be. It wasn’t as hard. It was as though you were right beside me, giving me your strength, guiding me, helping me. You are with me. Always. I know that. I know you will always come when I need you the most.

I feel a sense of peace. I feel calm. I feel content. I still miss you so much every single day. I look at your photos daily. I talk to you daily. I tell you I love you daily. But I know that I can and will go one. Not to say I won’t still have horrible days but I feel your strength and the message you are sending me to be #shelbystrong.

As we wind down 2014, the hardest year since I lost my father in 1997, I know that I will be able to go on. I know we will be together again and I can wait. You will wait for me. You are always with me but you will wait until we are in the same space again. And I know you will be the first to greet me when I cross over.

Until we meet again, my love … I miss you. I hope you get lots of toys for the holidays. I hope you know that I am trying really hard to cry less and celebrate our amazing life together. We had so much fun!

Merry Christmas, Shelby Lynne! Your mama loves you – to the moon and back and for all eternity!